Monthly Archives: April 2013

Did you know?  The Japanese equivalent of “trouble” is 大変, literally “big change”.  See what I’m getting at?  ^.^;


Do you think it’s a coincidence that 神 (god) and 髪 (hair) are homophones? ;P

My Voice

Sometimes, I imagine that that 50% pulse wave is my voice, echoing and reverberating.  It’s not “just an instrument”, not “just notes”, it contains real feeling.  -My- feeling.  And the way that it communicates to you, isn’t that just as valid as if I were using my own voice?  Perhaps, even more valid?  It seems weird to say that it’s more “true” to me than my own voice.  And yes, maybe that doesn’t make sense to you, because…well, you’re used to hearing my real voice…the way that my words, and that my singing (if you’re one of the lucky ones that has actually heard me sing) sound, is associated with me.

But for me, it’s not really like that.  Because for me, singing is usually not about the sound that I create, but the act of it, the expressiveness that I’m using my voice, my resonance, to express something.  And the sensation that the melody is actually resonating within me.  That’s the more important part of it, I think.

But when I write these melodies, I’m choosing everything about it to express the way that I feel.  It’s not coincidence that my instruments have more of an echo, more of a shimmery feeling than that of, say, PROTODOME or halc, or whatever other artist.  It might be just happenstance that I happen to have a male voice, but it is not happenstance that I am choosing this 50% pulse wave, with this sort of vibrato, with this sort of expression, using these notes.  All of it represents my emotion, my feelings, my atmosphere.  Because I wouldn’t choose this sound if I didn’t like it, right?

I’ve often said that songs have a life of their own, and that I’m just the medium through which they express themselves.  I do sort of believe that.  But the medium matters as well.  I have a certain way of doing things, and because the song is flowing through -me-, and not zircon, not Jillian, not fearofdark, not virt, it expresses itself a certain way.  That’s why my remix of the same melody can sound so different, and so much like me.  Because when the song passes through me, it adapts to who I am.  And I pass on my feelings through it.

“Why do I compose? I do it because I feel truly happy when creating music. These melodies carry all of my wishes and dreams. They provide outlets for feelings such as pain and sadness. They breathe meaning into my life where there was none before. I hope you may find some meaning in them as well.”

Let’s see my post count go up, up, up, and my view count go down, down, down!

Just like the other years, this is real evidence of all the lurkers who see my posts in their feeds and read em and just move on.  Urgh.  Social media is scary because you never really actually know what’s going on.

Mytho, Nagato, Shuuichi, Hibiki, Nagisa, Makoto, … there are a bunch of characters that I identify with, they all show certain sides of me, but none of them are actually me.  I think even my “OC” Sayuri is not me either, she doesn’t really seem to have the badass “o ho ho” side that comes out of me sometimes.  And that makes sense, there’s nothing wrong with that; I mean, how would it feel if everything that defines you -could- be captured in a character that someone else made?  Some of them will seem to come close, but it’s still always not the whole package.

Of course, Sayuri is really close, after all she was designed in a way that really embodies something that is very deep within me.

I’ve slowed down a little bit at work.  Had a good excuse to do so since I had a day that was mostly taken up by side engagements anyways, so I wouldn’t have been able to really get anything done -anyways-.  Once I did so, I realized that I’ve actually been pushing ahead full-steam for quite some time now…which is actually really good, it means I have a job where I don’t -mind- putting my all into it.  But I also realized that I don’t -want- to put my all into it, because there’s so many other things that are more important to me.  Work is always gonna be there, and the relative impact difference between me working at 100% versus me working at 80% is really not that important.  And because I’m awesome, my output at 80% is still awesome, while giving me time to do other things…things like writing xanga posts, and, probably most often, writing letters.  Maybe not the really long ones, but at least the standard letters that are just really nice to write and send out.

Lots of weekend stuff coming up…today is Jammix, which I’m wearing my Miko outfit to, ahhhh so excited!  I really can’t wait…I’m going to straighten my hair too.  Hahhh…

Tomorrow is my little gathering, which I expect all of 3 people to attend, including myself.  That’s okay though, last year was 4, so it’s about the same.  Should be fun anyways, yay.

Sunday is the family thing, that should probably be…alright.  Yeah, it’ll be alright.  Better than it has been in times past, anyways, probably.

At some point I also have to go to bath & body…I might do that tomorrow, actually, since I have to go pick up some food anyways too.

The weekend after is both Dragon’s Maze prerelease weekend AND Ludum Dare.  The latter is more important to me, so I’m going to either skimp on prerelease or just skip it altogether.  Actually, I might just skip it altogether.  It just takes so much time and energy, though I do admit that it is kinda fun too.  But I really want to focus on LD this time, especially after last time when I just went into it to kinda have fun and not worry about it that much.  I want to make something awesome this time around, really!  Not that Gulliver and One of a Kind weren’t awesome in their own way, but I’m aiming for something different this time.  Something more gameplay oriented, something less content-driven.  Well, either that or an art game, but I say that every time and I haven’t done it so far.  I feel like it’s hard to come up with a good art game, and it doesn’t seem like a great fit for LD either.  Just like I wouldn’t do a “meaningful” song in OHC.  But I want to make some small awesome thing that’s fun, addictive, you know, all that good stuff.  I said that before too, but then somehow I came up with…Gulliver.  So I still have yet to succeed at that, really.  World of Snow is kind of the closest I’ve come to it.  I still am -really- happy with World of Snow, to be honest, you know?  It’s just really wonderful, makes me really really happy.

Life continues on…things have generally been doing pretty good.  Actually, really good, lately.  I’ve been shaping up in a lot of areas, everything from cleaning my room to flossing to doing tai chi again (awesome), even trying to make a new friend or two? (so hard though…)  And being better at asking people to dance, things like that too.  I’ve started heading to dancebreak again, as meetup time with my fellow secret fanclub member, and it’s actually a really nice environment for me to just go, HEY person I don’t know, come here and dance with me!  Because, you know, I’m awesome and all that.

I’m probably going to release All in a Day’s Work 2 soon, which will be awesome.  Of course, it’s not THAT awesome, because it’s just going to be a rerelease of OHC songs that you all already have access to…but it’s still going to be a great collection of music, something that can showcase my latest styles, etc.  I’ve made some pretty great stuff since the first installment, you know?

Project Love Everlasting is still sitting at 54% or so, haven’t been able to work on it at all for the past week, which is sad, but that’s okay because I’ve been busy with other things like finishing up the miko outfit which I’m super super happy with (yay thanks).

Might want to look into getting an SSD for my desktop at some point…the HD really has always been the limiting factor, always, and I’m pretty sure everything else is still running along just fine.  Startup time could definitely be much improved.

Got a huge silver filling replaced yesterday, ugh.  Always knew that it would have to be done at some point, I should just be thankful that they’re able to refill it for now and I don’t need a crown…yet.  Was still sensitive yesterday, which worried me, but seems to be doing a little better now, so that’s good.  I’m heading back for round 3 next week, for two small cavities which he didn’t have time to do this time, so if it’s still bothering me at that time I have that opportunity.  Unfortunately, eczema is doing badly now, especially in my sleep for some reason, ugh.  Might have to get something for that too.

Is it bad that I still feel so very not free in what I can say here?  It’s a crappy feeling isn’t it…?  Feeling that sort of restriction.  Maybe I can kind of understand what you mean now, I guess.  Maybe?  Maybe I’d rather not think about it all too much.  I’d rather think about other things, that make me happier.

Someone at work asked me if I drew every day, and I told him, hey, there’s NO WAY I can do all of the things I do every day.  There’s no way I can draw, code games, play tetris, do social dance, write letters, make music, do taichi, play Magic/LoL, work on sewing, etc etc etc every day.  That’s just not feasible.  And even if it =was= feasible, it would just be a pain.  And it wouldn’t be as effective, because you can’t just say “okay, I’ll make music for an hour and then switch over to drawing”.  I mean, okay, maybe you can do that with taichi, sure, or maybe LoL because you can play one game of that.  But for music?  I need to sit down and do that for…however long it takes.  It just works better that way.

And you shouldn’t -need- to do all of it every day.  Putting yourself into a regimen like that means you’re relying on the habit to do these things, which is sort of okay, but sort of arduous as well.  I first started doing drawing in association with OHC just because I wanted to make -sure- that I was drawing at least -something- every week, but I don’t need that anymore because nowadays I just know that I like to draw, so I’ll just do it whenever I feel like it.  It’s the same with music too.

Of course, it’s always important to have the requisite amount of free time so that you can actually use it on whatever you feel like.  That’s important, and that’s the primary danger of the working life, for me, I think.  Again, slowing down a little bit at work, so that will help.

I think I’m going to unplug myself from the feed for now.  Don’t tell me I’m avoiding it, because I’m not, it’s still around me, I can’t avoid it.  I just want to be alone for a bit.

It’s like a manifestation of my social introversion, only on the internet instead.  I can’t deal with crowds.  I need some time and space.

Dr. Rosalene: “Except this time, he’ll have the motivation of his registered desire with him all his life.”
Lily: “So you’d be depending on him fulfilling his own wish by simply having the desire to?”
Lily: “How could that be? Everyone has ambitions for things, but most don’t accomplish them.”
Dr. Rosalene: “That’s because in the real world, ambitions fluctuate…and fade.
Dr. Rosalene: “People start things with a passion, but eventually they lose that initial drive and slow down.”
Dr. Rosalene: “But imagine if you locked onto that initial push through your entire life, never wavering.”
Dr. Rosalene: “…It’s more powerful than it seems.”

–To The Moon