I don’t know, really, whether or not it’s a shame that I can’t really write anything here, about anything, it seems.  Even the little, unimportant things, still, can’t write here, that’s so stupid.  Does it really matter?  Does it really make a difference?

It makes -me- feel bad.  Because this is something that I care about.  And I have always had my reasons for continuing to write here.  Because once upon a time, I read what others wrote.  My gosh, those were some of the best times, just reading other people’s thoughts.  Real, personal thoughts.  It was like suddenly, I had new friends, and they were willing to share interesting things with me.

It just seems like such a shame.  But I know that in the end, it doesn’t really matter if I stop writing here to anyone except for me.  It would be letting myself down.  But none of the others would care.  What am I anyways, just a voice among a sea of voices.  And my voice isn’t even very loud at all.  It’s not like you’re listening for it, or that you expect to hear it either.  Sure, you would care if you knew that I was disappearing, but would you really care if you didn’t know?

I think that’s why it feels like maybe I’m losing who I am.  Because to be me…to be, me, would mean, that I wouldn’t even think about giving it up, until things were much worse, until there is no reason at all for me to keep going with it.  It’s not being stubborn.  It’s being devoted.  And I’ve been devoted to Xanga for over 8 years now.  Over 8 years!  Do you know how much I’ve put into this site?  How many words have gone into it, how many hours, how many topics, paragraphs, stories, thoughts, essays…?

Everywhere in my life, you can see, that I don’t give up on things.  And that’s so important to me.  So important.  And I know, that it’s a higher standard than everyone else.  Does that make it any less important?  No…no!  Of course not.

I’m not perfect.  But I can at least try.  And I think about those times, when, maybe, just maybe, my writing made a difference to someone.  Just like all of those letters.  In the end, does it matter?  In the end, did it make a difference?  Did I make a difference?  Was it all worth it…?  Am I worth it…?


One thought on “

  1. white_moonflowers

    *hugs*It was worth it – not because of the effect it had on other people, perhaps, but because of how it changed who you are, for the better. You are the person you are today because of all of those choices you made to take the time, put in the extra effort, reach out when no one else seemed to, and keep persisting despite it all.But I do agree that sometimes it’s important to know when it’s the right time to quit. Like shonen manga series that go on too long after their main arcs are fulfilled (ahem, Bleach…), and get lost in the desert a bit, sometimes it’s better to end on a good note than to drag something out forever. As much as I hate endings…

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