Monthly Archives: January 2013

I saw Kiki for the first time in a very long while today.  It was so, so, so nice.  Our relation has changed!  But I think we both like it better now.  Though, I can’t help but try to recall what it used to be like too.  I think there was a certain beauty in the old way too, how things were more quiet, more reserved.  But I think this way feels more like “old friends”.  It really was nice…really nice. :)  I don’t think I’ve ever forgotten how important she is to me, but I think I had forgotten just how nice it is to have her in my life.  I don’t even realize exactly why it is so nice unless I think about it….it just, is.  I guess she’s just someone who I’ve gone through a lot together with…we’ve had many shared memories together, and have known each other for a while.  And all throughout it, we’ve always had each other in our hearts.  I know that I’m special to her too.

I hope that she can find her happiness.  I’ll help her if I can.  I think, even though I am more “casual” with her now, more open, more talkative, I still give her the same peaceful air, one that just lets her relax and be tranquil.  I’m glad I can make her remember that feeling.

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For perhaps the very first time in my life, it feels as though I’m losing not only the battle, but the war against busyness.

It’s really, really, really frightening.

Even when I’m lost and the whole world is spinning around under me, music is there to remind me that life is awesome…and =my= music is there to remind me that =I= am awesome.

Jeez…I just wasted the night away and all I did was cry and watch SSBM vids.

I think the thing about this whole new lens that I’m looking at the world through, is that it’s been way too easy for me to forget that I’m -already- a wonderful person, in a way that I am very familiar with and good at, and practiced at.  It’s so easy to lose sight of that, now that I’ve realized that I want to improve myself in all of these other different ways.  But when you think right down to it, the quiet, loyal, honest, soft, caring me, the one who does all of these little things that matter, that me still exists, and is within me.

I think it’s confusing because my eyes are now open to the fact that I’m not as pure, nor as soft as I once thought I was, perhaps.  I think that’s another one of the naive beliefs that are being dispelled.  Well, either that, or I’m just getting all confused and tangled up.  That’s the other thing, I don’t think I’ve yet learned how to catch things that I don’t agree with in this new worldview.  It’s either because I’m still too enamored by it, or because I just haven’t seen anything yet that I disagree with in the first place.

But yes, it’s confusing because I know now that I’m really not the little angel I liked to believe I am.  I guess in some way I’ve always known that, on some level, but now it feels sort of…more “real” of a realization.

I think that’s why, when I’m rereading Cardcaptor Sakura now, I feel like I have different feelings towards the purity of Tomoyo.  I think I used to believe in that, as sort of an ideal, sort of like a “yeah!  That’s what I’m like!  That’s what I think is a wonderful type of love…” But I think now, reality has changed that image, somewhat.  I think it’s a wonderful type of love still, but I don’t feel like it’s something that I have.  So it feels a little more distant.  Maybe a little more of an ideal, or something magical, rather than something that I feel like I own personally.

I just need to be able to step past my fears, and do what I believe in, and do what I want, and try what I want to try.  And I also need to be able to step past my feelings of inadequacy and just accept myself as a work in progress.  The idea of being bad or wrong or not good enough is something that, like a little kid, I still haven’t come to terms yet…not really at all.  But it’s really not a big deal, really not as big a deal as I always make it out to be in my mind and in my heart.  Really.  So…I shouldn’t be afraid…

2012

I need to write, need to blog, oh man, I just need to spill out everything, jeez, I don’t even know if that’s true, I just…ahhh…

 

2012 is over, and 2013 is here.  2012…what a year.  My world got rocked.  -Hard-.  I mean it.  Never before has my world been changed like it did during this year.  Not only did I graduate from college, start working, and move out of home, but I encountered an existence which changed everything.

Like opening up a portal to another world, almost.  And nothing was quite the same after that.  I’m still bewildered at the effects, when I think about it, sometimes.  I’m no longer sure of many of the things that I used to believe in.  If anything, I feel like the path that I had been following has been revealed to me to be naive, and not as beautiful as I once thought it might be.

And now, it’s almost as if, I had been making fun of all the people rushing about in life, saying that they never stopped to appreciate the flowers that were blooming all around.  But now that I’m unseated, and drifting slowly, I’m too flabbergasted by the fact that I’m moving, that I forget to look at what’s around me.

I think that being introduced to this new world, it’s very difficult for me to keep my solid grasp on what I used to believe in, used to think was beautiful.  About things, about myself.  Seeing all the wonderful possibilities, it’s so easy for me to look at myself as inadequate, insufficient, with so much more that I need to grow in.

College, for instance…I can’t help now but believe that I missed out on so many things while I was at Stanford.  Maybe even if I had known about the existence of these things, I still may not have been able to experience them.  I am a limited human being, and though I may wish for it sometimes, I am not always capable.  Perhaps what I did, how I lived, everything was all for the best.  No, I think it was for the best.  But I still can’t help but feel that my eyes were just oblivious to everything that I could have at least tried to be a part of.

It’s really disorienting.  Really disorienting.  Because there I was, hearing everyone say, go out and try all these new things, and throw yourself into everything, and I was like, no!  Because I -knew- myself, -knew- that that’s not what I wanted.  And I was right–that’s not the person I was.  I didn’t want any of that in my life, didn’t need it.  In fact, I had -learned- about myself from the many life experiences I had had, that those kinds of things were not what I wanted in my life.  I didn’t understand that sort of thing when I was younger, but in college I learned…I learned about myself and what kind of person I was, and what kind of life made me comfortable and happy.

Yet, now, I’m changing my mind.  I think I might want something different now.  Well, in that case, I shouldn’t worry so much about what’s in the past.  I wanted different things back then.  Just because I am shooting for a different goal now, doesn’t mean that I wasn’t doing the right thing back then.

One thing is for sure though, I have always been too much of a coward.  I was just looking randomly through my diary recently, and I came across one or two things, and it just hit me so hard…I could have avoided so much pain, if only I had not been a coward.  And I think that’s the most important battle of all that I am faced with today.  Regardless of whether or not I want to stick with my ISFJ comfort zone tendencies, or poke my head out of my bubble and reach out to touch new things…either way, I can not, will not, absolutely should not continue to be a coward.  Because being afraid prevents me from being the person that I know I should be.

It’s so easy to justify that cowardice now.  It’s almost like I’ve got myself conditioned toward it.  It’s like I’m such a coward that I couldn’t even face up to the fact that I was a coward in the first place.  But being exposed to this new world shed light onto that, and now I can’t deny it any longer, I think.

I’m not a fan of change, and I don’t know that I ever will be.  But if I can start to change in this way, that’s something that I would like.  I don’t want to forever be a coward.  No…no, I don’t want to be like that.  Because I can be so much better, -so much better- than that.

 

I cried today, and didn’t know what to even feel about it.  Didn’t know whether I should try to be happy, or whether I should try and embrace the sadness, or whether I should get help or not, or anything.  I’m not saying that I was lost and despairing, because I wasn’t…the sadness was actually not that painful, honestly, I swear.  I should know–I’ve had painful sadness before.  This was not the “heavy” sadness, it was “light”, so it was okay.  But I’m just saying, I just felt like I didn’t know what I should -do- with that sadness anymore.

 

I think as life goes on, I’ve begun to unravel more and more naive thoughts that I have had.  I look back at high school, and I was just too arrogant and headstrong back then.  I liked to show off too much, and didn’t show enough restraint.  Well, no, maybe it wasn’t a matter of restraint, so much as it was just, being self-centered.  I guess perhaps that phase was necessary though, since I had been inside my quiet shell all of my life, so I needed to break out in any way I could, I guess.  But looking back, I don’t really like my attitude that much, I think.

And now I look back at college, and although it’s not nearly as bad, I think I also see other things that might be a little foolish.  Ah…but this is a danger too, because it’s just too easy for my type to feel bad about themselves.  And feeling bad about our flaws often is itself our biggest flaw.  If only we could learn to examine our flaws and accept them as areas of improvement, instead of dwelling upon them and sinking into them.

Positive energy…I still kind of believe that somehow, this mysterious positive energy is like some sort of holy grail, almost, like some secret methodology that will make my issues better.  It’s a powerful force, to be sure, and I know that from experience.  I just haven’t figured out how to best wield it, I think.  And also understand how to call upon it.