I need to write, need to blog, oh man, I just need to spill out everything, jeez, I don’t even know if that’s true, I just…ahhh…
2012 is over, and 2013 is here. 2012…what a year. My world got rocked. -Hard-. I mean it. Never before has my world been changed like it did during this year. Not only did I graduate from college, start working, and move out of home, but I encountered an existence which changed everything.
Like opening up a portal to another world, almost. And nothing was quite the same after that. I’m still bewildered at the effects, when I think about it, sometimes. I’m no longer sure of many of the things that I used to believe in. If anything, I feel like the path that I had been following has been revealed to me to be naive, and not as beautiful as I once thought it might be.
And now, it’s almost as if, I had been making fun of all the people rushing about in life, saying that they never stopped to appreciate the flowers that were blooming all around. But now that I’m unseated, and drifting slowly, I’m too flabbergasted by the fact that I’m moving, that I forget to look at what’s around me.
I think that being introduced to this new world, it’s very difficult for me to keep my solid grasp on what I used to believe in, used to think was beautiful. About things, about myself. Seeing all the wonderful possibilities, it’s so easy for me to look at myself as inadequate, insufficient, with so much more that I need to grow in.
College, for instance…I can’t help now but believe that I missed out on so many things while I was at Stanford. Maybe even if I had known about the existence of these things, I still may not have been able to experience them. I am a limited human being, and though I may wish for it sometimes, I am not always capable. Perhaps what I did, how I lived, everything was all for the best. No, I think it was for the best. But I still can’t help but feel that my eyes were just oblivious to everything that I could have at least tried to be a part of.
It’s really disorienting. Really disorienting. Because there I was, hearing everyone say, go out and try all these new things, and throw yourself into everything, and I was like, no! Because I -knew- myself, -knew- that that’s not what I wanted. And I was right–that’s not the person I was. I didn’t want any of that in my life, didn’t need it. In fact, I had -learned- about myself from the many life experiences I had had, that those kinds of things were not what I wanted in my life. I didn’t understand that sort of thing when I was younger, but in college I learned…I learned about myself and what kind of person I was, and what kind of life made me comfortable and happy.
Yet, now, I’m changing my mind. I think I might want something different now. Well, in that case, I shouldn’t worry so much about what’s in the past. I wanted different things back then. Just because I am shooting for a different goal now, doesn’t mean that I wasn’t doing the right thing back then.
One thing is for sure though, I have always been too much of a coward. I was just looking randomly through my diary recently, and I came across one or two things, and it just hit me so hard…I could have avoided so much pain, if only I had not been a coward. And I think that’s the most important battle of all that I am faced with today. Regardless of whether or not I want to stick with my ISFJ comfort zone tendencies, or poke my head out of my bubble and reach out to touch new things…either way, I can not, will not, absolutely should not continue to be a coward. Because being afraid prevents me from being the person that I know I should be.
It’s so easy to justify that cowardice now. It’s almost like I’ve got myself conditioned toward it. It’s like I’m such a coward that I couldn’t even face up to the fact that I was a coward in the first place. But being exposed to this new world shed light onto that, and now I can’t deny it any longer, I think.
I’m not a fan of change, and I don’t know that I ever will be. But if I can start to change in this way, that’s something that I would like. I don’t want to forever be a coward. No…no, I don’t want to be like that. Because I can be so much better, -so much better- than that.
I cried today, and didn’t know what to even feel about it. Didn’t know whether I should try to be happy, or whether I should try and embrace the sadness, or whether I should get help or not, or anything. I’m not saying that I was lost and despairing, because I wasn’t…the sadness was actually not that painful, honestly, I swear. I should know–I’ve had painful sadness before. This was not the “heavy” sadness, it was “light”, so it was okay. But I’m just saying, I just felt like I didn’t know what I should -do- with that sadness anymore.
I think as life goes on, I’ve begun to unravel more and more naive thoughts that I have had. I look back at high school, and I was just too arrogant and headstrong back then. I liked to show off too much, and didn’t show enough restraint. Well, no, maybe it wasn’t a matter of restraint, so much as it was just, being self-centered. I guess perhaps that phase was necessary though, since I had been inside my quiet shell all of my life, so I needed to break out in any way I could, I guess. But looking back, I don’t really like my attitude that much, I think.
And now I look back at college, and although it’s not nearly as bad, I think I also see other things that might be a little foolish. Ah…but this is a danger too, because it’s just too easy for my type to feel bad about themselves. And feeling bad about our flaws often is itself our biggest flaw. If only we could learn to examine our flaws and accept them as areas of improvement, instead of dwelling upon them and sinking into them.
Positive energy…I still kind of believe that somehow, this mysterious positive energy is like some sort of holy grail, almost, like some secret methodology that will make my issues better. It’s a powerful force, to be sure, and I know that from experience. I just haven’t figured out how to best wield it, I think. And also understand how to call upon it.