Jeez…I just wasted the night away and all I did was cry and watch SSBM vids.
I think the thing about this whole new lens that I’m looking at the world through, is that it’s been way too easy for me to forget that I’m -already- a wonderful person, in a way that I am very familiar with and good at, and practiced at. It’s so easy to lose sight of that, now that I’ve realized that I want to improve myself in all of these other different ways. But when you think right down to it, the quiet, loyal, honest, soft, caring me, the one who does all of these little things that matter, that me still exists, and is within me.
I think it’s confusing because my eyes are now open to the fact that I’m not as pure, nor as soft as I once thought I was, perhaps. I think that’s another one of the naive beliefs that are being dispelled. Well, either that, or I’m just getting all confused and tangled up. That’s the other thing, I don’t think I’ve yet learned how to catch things that I don’t agree with in this new worldview. It’s either because I’m still too enamored by it, or because I just haven’t seen anything yet that I disagree with in the first place.
But yes, it’s confusing because I know now that I’m really not the little angel I liked to believe I am. I guess in some way I’ve always known that, on some level, but now it feels sort of…more “real” of a realization.
I think that’s why, when I’m rereading Cardcaptor Sakura now, I feel like I have different feelings towards the purity of Tomoyo. I think I used to believe in that, as sort of an ideal, sort of like a “yeah! That’s what I’m like! That’s what I think is a wonderful type of love…” But I think now, reality has changed that image, somewhat. I think it’s a wonderful type of love still, but I don’t feel like it’s something that I have. So it feels a little more distant. Maybe a little more of an ideal, or something magical, rather than something that I feel like I own personally.
I just need to be able to step past my fears, and do what I believe in, and do what I want, and try what I want to try. And I also need to be able to step past my feelings of inadequacy and just accept myself as a work in progress. The idea of being bad or wrong or not good enough is something that, like a little kid, I still haven’t come to terms yet…not really at all. But it’s really not a big deal, really not as big a deal as I always make it out to be in my mind and in my heart. Really. So…I shouldn’t be afraid…