I wonder why it is that I experience certain kinds of emotions so intensely. I get the feeling that other people do too, but at the same time, it seems like certain things are so much more intense than with others; even onee-chan says so. I guess it has something to do with my “purity”, but what exactly? I’m not sure. You could say that people who haven’t experienced certain emotions and feelings would find them really intense when they do for the first time…but, I don’t think that’s it. After all, I’ve definitely experienced things like intense sadness many times in the past. And, everyone has to have a first time for everything, right?
Maybe it’s because I embrace the intense feeling of emotion very freely? Is it because as an ISFJ-type (notice how I keep saying “ISFJ-type” instead of just “ISFJ”) I’m so concentrated in the realm of feelings? I was gonna say, maybe it’s because positive emotions are something that is so “ahh, how do I deserve this” to me, but I feel like the negative emotions are stronger in me too.
Perhaps, it’s because Sayuri is together with me now? Before she entered my life, I wasn’t emotional…even back when I first became Timm[ie] and I solidified what it meant to be Timm[ie], I was not emotional. I was very dedicated in some things that I felt, and I guess that speaks to my “faithfulness”, but still, it was nothing like how I am today.
I guess, that’s one of the main things that I learned during my years at Stanford, is how to feel and express emotion in this way. And maybe that’s why it’s so intense? Because I didn’t use to have this before, but now really dug deep inside myself and let it show through.
But, maybe I’m undercutting the emotions of other people. I still think that, at least, outwardly, I react very differently and feel things in a different way. But, who knows–maybe other people are the same way, but you just can’t see it on the surface?
Actually, I don’t really think so. I’m more inclined to believe that other people are more like what I used to be. Going through life just kind of with this “smooth sailing” sort of attitude where nothing really “shakes” them to their core. I still do go through life very “smoothly”, in that things tend to be very “quiet” in my life, but at the same time, the waves of emotion that do come are very intense.
I think that’s one reason I feel more affinity to water than to air these days. Even though air is “invisible”, water has that sense of tides ebbing and flowing, and “waves” of emotion. And water can still be really tranquil to…but can also be really “emotional”.