Monthly Archives: September 2012

I am…not happy.

Takes a while to realize, sometimes.

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I was just thinking about the relationship between what we like, and what comes easily to us.  Like, which causes the other, or which -should- cause the other…things like that.

I think it’s interesting because in music, I see both kinds of things at work.  Like chiptunes…I like it, and it also comes easily to me.  But I guess it didn’t always use to come easily to me.  However, I like trance too, but that doesn’t come nearly as easily to me.

Anyway, I was thinking of that in terms of art.  I think, for art, it’s so unknown so far, that I don’t have a “self” yet.  I can tell you certain things I like, but it doesn’t feel strong enough yet that I can say, I like those things.  I guess because I’ve never been able to do them in the first place.  And I don’t know what comes easily either, because……..uh, well, nothing really comes easily. OTL

We’ll see, I guess…^^;

Of course, I never want to do anything wrong!  That’s the reason I struggled so much with my self-confidence when I was still a developing dancer.  That’s why I worry so much about everything, and why I am so passive.  I would rather just get everything right…not harm anyone, always be a good little angel.

So of course, I never want to do anything wrong…

…but, no matter what…it’s inevitable that you screw up!  That’s why…

Feels like all these “formless” feelings are there waiting to be spilled out, but I don’t know what to write to really give them form.

Being on campus yesterday and blending in together with all the students was…interesting.  Being on Social Dance 2 though, if only for a day, felt great!

I may be returning back to some semblance of being “on top of things”.  I don’t think I’m quite on top yet, but it feels as if I’m sort of climbing up there and it’s only a matter of time.  Or, I’m already there and it just hasn’t quite stabilized yet?  In any case, there is no real bad feeling anymore.

I do wonder, how come I feel more “lonely” than I used to.  Ironically, maybe it might be because I am more surrounded by people at work now.  I know from my experience last year in Munger, that my extremely introverted nature meant that I was actually quite more at peace when I was just living by myself, than when I was in a dorm–even a quiet dorm such as Kimball–with other people around.  I don’t really think it’s because I’m lovesick or anything, but I think I find myself wanting to be held a bit more often than I remember before.  I think it’s maybe because of what I just mentioned…could be.

I wonder why it is that I experience certain kinds of emotions so intensely.  I get the feeling that other people do too, but at the same time, it seems like certain things are so much more intense than with others; even onee-chan says so.  I guess it has something to do with my “purity”, but what exactly?  I’m not sure.  You could say that people who haven’t experienced certain emotions and feelings would find them really intense when they do for the first time…but, I don’t think that’s it.  After all, I’ve definitely experienced things like intense sadness many times in the past.  And, everyone has to have a first time for everything, right?

Maybe it’s because I embrace the intense feeling of emotion very freely?  Is it because as an ISFJ-type (notice how I keep saying “ISFJ-type” instead of just “ISFJ”) I’m so concentrated in the realm of feelings?  I was gonna say, maybe it’s because positive emotions are something that is so “ahh, how do I deserve this” to me, but I feel like the negative emotions are stronger in me too.

Perhaps, it’s because Sayuri is together with me now?  Before she entered my life, I wasn’t emotional…even back when I first became Timm[ie] and I solidified what it meant to be Timm[ie], I was not emotional.  I was very dedicated in some things that I felt, and I guess that speaks to my “faithfulness”, but still, it was nothing like how I am today.

I guess, that’s one of the main things that I learned during my years at Stanford, is how to feel and express emotion in this way.  And maybe that’s why it’s so intense?  Because I didn’t use to have this before, but now really dug deep inside myself and let it show through.

But, maybe I’m undercutting the emotions of other people.  I still think that, at least, outwardly, I react very differently and feel things in a different way.  But, who knows–maybe other people are the same way, but you just can’t see it on the surface?

Actually, I don’t really think so.  I’m more inclined to believe that other people are more like what I used to be.  Going through life just kind of with this “smooth sailing” sort of attitude where nothing really “shakes” them to their core.  I still do go through life very “smoothly”, in that things tend to be very “quiet” in my life, but at the same time, the waves of emotion that do come are very intense.

I think that’s one reason I feel more affinity to water than to air these days.  Even though air is “invisible”, water has that sense of tides ebbing and flowing, and “waves” of emotion.  And water can still be really tranquil to…but can also be really “emotional”.

You know how for things like anime or manga or Touhou or whatever TV series and all that, there’s all these references that show up that only the fans really get?  I realized today while driving in the car and listening to Pixel By Pixel that it can actually be like that for music too! Though, maybe not as often, since music doesn’t usually have the same sort of continuity.  But I know that whenever I insert a line from The Ecstasy of Life, or from Pixel By Pixel, or do some megamashup or medley like Reminiscence, or something like One Hopeful Composer, only my “fans” will really get it.  Just like Undone from FX4 doesn’t have nearly the impact if you aren’t familiar with the melodies from the rest of the album.  And it wasn’t until afterwards that I learned that the ending of FX4 is the beginning of FX3…so cool!