I’m still really unsettled. I don’t really know how to describe it; it’s like I’m in unfamiliar territory and I don’t know what do to and part of me is waiting for the time when I can just go back to “peace” and sort everything out and just continue on with things.
I think part of it is that I’m not giving myself any “alone time”, which is not-coincidentally also the reason everything in my room is a mess. There’s no time for me to go and sweep through and actually put everything away in my room, which parallels my life I think.
Part of it is also just being introduced to all this new, “surreal” (not actually the right word) stuff. I went to JPop Summit festival today in Japantown SF and watched the Vocaloid dance contest and was actually really inspired/moved…this is the first time that any vocaloid stuff has actually made me feel that way, besides maybe Rolling Girl which I like mainly because of the “message”.
It’s weird…the ISFJ in me really wants to just have everything settle down…maybe even to have things go back to how they were this past year, living peacefully in Munger. But then there’s another part of me that wants to like…reach out and grasp for the stars. Most of them are out of reach, so I just kind of look at them shining in the distance, but there’s some of them that seem close enough that it feels like if I reach, reach out really hard, far enough, maybe I can feel them in my hand…or at least feel their warmth.
Perhaps the whole working thing is toying with me as well. I maintain that I am not having any problems with work, like I did during my internship last Summer, and that’s really good. But you can’t deny that it’s a pretty hefty lifestyle change. A very hefty one, actually, considering that it has impacts on multiple parts of my life. It changes the rhythm of my day-to-day life, for example–no more sleeping in and taking long naps and staying up really late at night…unless I change the way I schedule my work day (wonder if that’s something worth looking into? maybe, maybe not). It affects my social “energy” too, since I’m in a different sort of social situation during a majority of the time.
So I guess two things are going on here, basically.
The weird one is that I’m being exposed to all this new stuff and things like that, and wanting to feel differently than my typical ISFJ self would. JPop Summit festival is a perfect example of that–if it weren’t for this new sort of outlook on things (okay, there were other factors involved too), it would be the sort of thing I wouldn’t even really consider going to. It wouldn’t be “safe”. And I’d probably feel not that great, because it’s not something “comfortable” for me. To be fair, the only things that are really comfortable for me are things like either me getting some “alone time” (which as I said I have been getting none of), and spending time very quietly and peacefully with someone like my onee-chan. And I have to admit I really miss those times when she would come and sit on my couch in munger and we would just complain about boys being silly and stuff like that. Of course, that would be not that possible right now because my place is this huge mess and I’m moving and blahblahblah…it just isn’t conducive to the sort of tranquility that you all know me for.
The simpler one is that I’m just going through this huge bundle of life changes and I’m like oh goddddddd because you know me, I’m this person who isn’t used to dealing with change; least of all sweeping changes like the ones I’m going through right now.
I think there are a couple things that can help me feel better. I keep saying things will be easier once the month is over, but I’m already realizing that that isn’t really the case since there are still definitely things that are going on next month, like getting a car and moving in and stuff like that. It’s dangerous to keep things dragging along like this, and I know that probably better than anyone, yet it doesn’t really feel like I have a choice here…for example, the moving in thing can’t really be expedited.
Anyways, one thing that will make me feel better is sleeping, haha. I’m pretty tired today, so I’m going to try to head to bed pretty soon. Though, I think I want to write a letter first.
Another thing that will make me feel better is cleaning out my room. It just feels ugh.
And then just giving myself alone time. I don’t really know how easy it will be for me to do that though.
I guess the even more interesting thing to consider is what made my life so stable earlier. I mean, I can point to things in my life right now that are “unsteady” (as in they haven’t settled yet), and that’s not actually quite too difficult. But it’s actually kind of tricky to think about what in my life at Stanford this past year made things so “steady”. What kept me happy over the course of a normal week? Who did I actually have frequent contact with? Was it my onee-chan? Was it my Japanese senseis? Was it social dance? I should note that even FNW feels really different now, compared to how it felt before graduation. The crowd is different…this past week it was like the music and “feel” of things was different too (maybe it was just me though). I guess it’s just more transition stuff, and transitioning throws me off-kelter!
…maybe I’m just still totally reeling from graduation, which was the worst day of my life, haha. It is true that because of that mess, I don’t even know where a bunch of my stuff is, since I wasn’t really packing it–the rest of my family just packed it wherever it fit…and I was too sick to really care at all. Ugh! I’m not gonna ask life to gimme a break though, because life has already been kind enough to me, and I know it should be up to me to -make- my own break anyways (that’s how it always is!).
I guess if I’m feeling this way, I can only imagine what S is feeling right now. =( Hang in there! >_<;