Finally wrote in my diary yesterday, for the first time in over a year, thanks to some inspiration and being encouraged because someone else told me they had been using theirs.
Don’t really know what to say…work is going pretty well. Picking this job was definitely the right decision, as I’ve always known. I don’t really know how my life “feels” right now. Or rather, I’m not sure what to say about it. It is true that the balance of things has shifted and I’m still adapting to it. I’m still having issues here and there with letting things slip slowly through the cracks, but it doesn’t feel quite so bad yet. I think part of that is because I’m in the middle of juggling around things and deciding what exactly I want to keep around in the first place. Of course, it’s difficult to get around to thinking about all that when I’ve got something even -bigger- encompassing my thoughts, but…
Well, I am looking forward to the time when I am moved into a new place, have a new car gotten, and in general just don’t have these things floating around in the air. I’m a grounded person…I don’t think I do well with all of this floating stuff…I think it keeps me from being truly happy, or at least, at peace. I definitely don’t have the same feeling I did over the past year, living in my place at Munger. Yeah…I’m still adjusting. It takes a while, I know.
“This is your reward for being such a good person!”, my onee-chan said to me. I don’t know if I’ve quite wrapped my head around that yet. I am so used to thinking I’m unworthy, and more than that, used to feeling guilt over asking for my own happiness (I know, I know…). It’s not really that I’m insecure…nothing like that. There have been times when I’ve been insecure, but in general I’m very confident of who I am. But I never believe I have the right to be entitled to good things, or at least never to demand them. You could even say it’s one of the presiding principles that I live on. So to be validated…to be validated in such a way, is unbelievable for me. It’s incredible.