Ugh! What the heck! Awesome night, now I feel terrible. I mean, part of it makes sense, most of it isn’t really making sense–I think it’s just sort of ridiculous how -bad- I feel right now given the circumstances which certainly don’t warrant feeling this bad. I have a few clues…and lots of things that I can write about, so I will do so.
Where to start?
This is not one of the things making me upset because I didn’t remember it until now, but gosh, people are just really weird to me. Like, -super- weird. I have sent links to people via direct personal e-mails (sometimes even asking a question about what they think about the content), and I know beyond almost any doubt that on some (most??) cases, people have ignored it like it didn’t exist. Okay. I was going to say something about “okay, whatever, people suck, I get it”, but you know what? That’s not cool. I do not deserve to be ignored, and it is not okay to just ignore me like that. Okay, sometimes people get busy and they need to catch up on email or messages or whatever. That’s fine. But you can’t just -never- get back to me, in any form or way, ever, or not even bother =considering= what I have to say.
The confusing part is, then sometimes I post links up on FB or whatever, like OHC songs or whatever, and I assume no one looks at those…but lo and behold, I know for a fact that some of the same people who ignore my direct messages have seem some of those and actually looked at them. You know what that means? It means you are being arbitrary. It means you are being a “by chance” friend, one who interacts with me “when it happens to be convenient”, whenever it grabs your attention. This is one of the reasons I really hate the social media models that are in place today–because they cater to this sort of thing. Here in xanga-land, there aren’t too many posters left among the people I know (I can count them on my fingers…maybe even one finger), but you can be damned sure that I read every single thing that they write. Hell, I even read most of my onee-chan’s =past= posts that she made, all the way back to the oldest ones that are still public. But in FB-land, I can shout something and then 5 minutes later it’s =totally nonexistent= to you because 5 other things pushed it off the front page of your feed. Course, I do better because I’ve got live notifications for anything that gets posted, but I know I’ve still missed a bunch of relevant things while I was sleeping or out or whatever.
Okay, so I post things on xanga or FB or whatever and you don’t respond. That’s perfectly fine, no really, honestly. Either it got lost somewhere in the million other voices that are vying for your attention, or you’re just being passive–which as we know, is the way that 90% of people are. Okay. But I’m not standing for this direct ignoring thing anymore. If I’m bringing something to your attention, directly, you can and should treat it as though I am standing in front of you saying something straight to your face. If you’re just going to turn the other way and pretend like I’m not there, then…well, how do you think that makes me feel? I don’t know if I’m going to start =calling people out= on it, but I’m not going to pretend it’s okay anymore. I’ve had ENOUGH of it. I used to do things like try to make my direct communication stronger–for example, posing an actual question, hoping that it would prompt a response. Guess how successful that was? (…) I understand that not everyone is as conscientious as I might be (97% of you are not, apparently), but if you can’t even respond to direct communication attempts, you really don’t deserve my care and attention, and I’m not just going to overlook that anymore. I might forgive you, but I’m not going to let it slide. I’m not a perfect angel and I write way too many letters that never get any type of response ever (570 written, 106 received…even being conservative, I can probably say that at least 100 have never gotten any sort of acknowledgement)–my fuse for this kind of thing is not very long anymore.
Wow…okay, this is going to be a super-angry post apparently. And we’re only just getting started here…
Another thing I was thinking about on the way home from FNW (which was wonderful, more on that later maybe) was the ol Marching Band days. Yeah, yeah, I know…ugly subject, and I don’t think I’ve ever thought about it without it leaving a rather sour feeling behind. Anyways, I have to say that I made many mistakes during my term as DM. I still did one hell of a job, and though it would just be arrogant of me to say I was one of the best ever, I know that there are people who would certainly say so. But yes, many mistakes. Which is fine, really…I mean, what do you expect? No one is flawless. The biggest mistake I made, however, is being too lax. My god…I took so much upon myself, emotionally and mentally, I don’t really know how I got out of it alive. Course, back then I didn’t even really -realize- I was taking it all upon myself, because I was still out of touch with my negative emotions, and acted like I was just shrugging it off all the time.
But anyways, I think back upon it now, and…jeez…why did I stand for all of that crap? Okay, he-who-shall-not-be-named, sure, maybe it was okay to stand for that crap, because…well, there wasn’t too much that I could do about that. But every time I think about the band under my tenure, I just get bitter because I had to play way too much babysitter. I got real, real, real tired of being the authority figure, the chaperone…I just kept with it, but man…if it was me now, I hope I wouldn’t stand for that.
To give everyone an idea, it was me in charge of making sure a group of some 100 high schoolers (keep in mind our school is one of the lower-achieving ones in the district) behave themselves, and if they didn’t, it was basically on me. I guess this is why I empathize with S, in a way, though it’s not really quite the same. Anyways…there were only 2 times that I actually blew up at them and got =actually mad=. I don’t think that was enough. I went way too easy on them.
…or did I? See, the thing is, people are really stupid and dumb, and it doesn’t really matter how much I snap at them and try to drill things into their heads; they probably would have required just as much chaperoning. It’s just human nature–humans are =terrible=. It’s not even just because they’re high school kids (though that might be the main factor), because I’m sure adults would have some of the same problems behaving themselves too. This is one of the reasons I’m excited to go to Japan, because I feel that their culture is so much more respectful. I mean, I could be wrong, but it just seems that way, you know?
The sad thing is, not all of them were bad…I know a lot of them were “Good Kids”, and I hardly ever saw anything out of them that helped me out with my job. I guess I really should have had a talk with them and told them that -I needed them- to help me do my job because I was sick and tired of being the only responsible one–the only one who seemed to even care.
Well…maybe I =was= too easy on them. Because regardless of whether or not their behavior would have changed, it at least would have gotten them to know that I was upset (granted, a lot of the time even -I- didn’t know I was upset, which was part of the problem…). And it would have at least made me feel better.
Anyways, enough about -that-. Sheesh.
FNW today was great. Pretty hair =and= pretty skirts, wow…
One thing I have noticed is that some of my best dance partners are older women–you know, the ones that aren’t college-aged. Not to say that there’s anything wrong with the Stanford crowd, because you guys are all good fun, but somehow conversation with some of these people seems easier sometimes, and more relaxed. Of course, it has very little to do with how well they dance, because I know that’s not as much a priority for me most of the time.
I had a great dance with R (not Powers, I mean the one with the bandana) today too…we don’t dance very often at all, but when we do it’s great fun for both of us…he always calls me a showoff, which…I admit I can’t really deny. I don’t know…something about how I know he’s an excellent dancer, and I know that I’m sort of a special breed of follow, so I kind of adopt this semi-boisterous attitude…yes, I do become sort of showoff-y. It’s okay, I know it’s fun for him too, because–well, how often does he get to dance with a follow who knows how to hijack the dance in such a way?
Speaking of being a special breed, it’s been so long since I last danced with L! I still say she’s still the only one who can keep up with me…
Also, danced with A and she didn’t realize she was leading for a couple minutes, hah! That cracked us up…
Also, I thought about it later and I realize I perhaps should have slapped someone tonight. (no, it isn’t who you’re thinking!) If you do something that you -know- the other person is not comfortable with, that’s not okay. Not tolerable.
Sigh. I don’t know. I understand where all the anger and bitterness is coming from, I think. That all sort of makes sense, and is old hat. But what I don’t really get is the -loneliness- that has been striking me at random times these days, seemingly out of nowhere.
Maybe part of it is my role as a creator–part of the elusive 1%. I create so damn much…put it all out there, and…ugh. I would point you to my website (have you seen how much stuff is up on there?), my bandcamp (200 songs up for grabs, free), but why do I even bother at this point?
I just really don’t want to scream and shout for attention. That’s something that my 8-mo old nephew does, because he doesn’t know how else to get it. That’s not for me. I don’t want to drill things into your heads like some marketing prick who needs to convince you to turn your head this way amongst the sea of distractions that you’re currently occupied with.
“But I do notice you! I think the things you do are really cool!” Yes…yes, I know you’re trying. I’m sorry. I am grateful for that, really. But it is just kind of hard, to create great works of art that bring me to such emotion, and know that they are neither discovered, nor understood. I guess what I’m saying is that you’re “not doing good enough”, but I really hate to say that, and I don’t think I really mean it.
But, just, sometimes, you know? I was listening to a bunch of my music earlier today…like, just listening. I literally was just sitting there at my computer and going through my songs for a good 20 minutes, maybe even more. I was late to FNW because of it, in fact. Coexist. Together. The Ecstasy of Life (Album Version). The Euphoria of Death. Sayuri’s Reel. I know, I know, I know. I =know= I’m not being fair here. I know maybe, =maybe=, there are one or two of you who actually have gone through all of my music (certainly no one that I know in person though, save for perhaps two people, and one of them I’m not even sure about). I know that it’s not fair because I definitely don’t know of =your= guys’ achievements and art and whatever in any sort of respectable detail. But damn…it’s still hard.
I put so much effort into things. I try so hard. I haven’t felt burnt out and bitter like this in a while, but ugh! I’ve gotten practice crying now, so you could say I’m more physically emotionally nowadays, and ugh! It’s getting there.
It depresses me to think about Pixel Warriors too. It doesn’t demotivate me from having it as a commitment, because I’m still committed to it, if only because I really want to get the OST produced and release it, and because it would just be such a shame to let all my effort go to waste. But damn…I just read an (not-so-surprising) article about the success (or rather, lack thereof) of indie games and indie iOS apps and damn…given that the average is that bad, what hope do =I= have, given that people don’t even listen to direct personal emails from me, eh? It’s just depressing to think about.
I’d like to think that my someone just for me really does exist, that she is out there today, and that she has the same =capacity= as I do. The same capacity for content–the capacity that has me exploring entire wiki sites and reading, reading, reading all about things. And the same capacity for =love=. Well, I guess it could be dangerous to have that, but I really don’t care, and I don’t think she does either.
I just don’t know if she exists.
Still with me? I actually think a few of you are, surprisingly. Let’s keep going…
Don’t know why I keep putting myself through this. Sometimes I think I just live on a different wavelength than the rest of all you or something like that. Like when I hear words, they mean something different to me than they do to all of you. Like…like, I can’t…I can’t even…
Did you know that I actually sent a letter to someone who I would not even consider my friend (a mere acquaintance), because they posted on their blog that they were going through a very tough time? I wrote that letter on March 7, 2010. Unfortunately, it never got to its recipient I don’t think–something went wrong somewhere along the line (it makes me shudder to think about how often that has actually really happened over the course of 570 handwritten letters, but I try my very best not to think about it). It is because I empathize so much with that state where you are crying out and it seems like no one is listening and no one really cares. The truth is that…well, actually, sometimes it is really true that no one is listening. But even when people are listening, and even if they do care, it is really hard, somehow, for them to actually do something real about it. That is sometimes a big reason why I keep going. Because if I don’t do anything, WHO WILL!? That’s right…no one.
Gah, how many times have I written about this in my blog already in the past? I’m sure if you go back to past entries one or two years ago you’ll find heaps of stuff about this.
Did you know that once upon a time, these feelings of isolation were so bad that it associated itself with psychosomatic pains?
Like I said, sometimes it is like I am living on a different wavelength. As if somewhere there is some sort of alternate universe where people are different, where people are so much more quiet and receptive at the same time, and that I am really meant to be in that universe (just like I am really meant to be S). I know it’s not true at all and that it’s just a fabrication, and that in reality I am just pushing myself away from everyone and withdrawing and really not giving anyone a fair chance, but damn! I feel bad, so this is what I am doing.
Oh, the things that would be different in that universe, where people are on my wavelength.
I still don’t really get people. I don’t really get why more people don’t show as much emotion as I do. I don’t get why I am the only (?) one who, becomes so emotionally moved when I am being held because, wow, the feeling of actually being loved and cared for and comforted in that way is so special. I don’t get why friendships are so unimportant. I don’t understand why people must insist on hurting others. That is one of the things that has contributed (don’t know how much, though) to my unhappiness lately, because “they” are both examples of that, and being around them both is really tough on me, because they do things without regards to other people’s feelings. Sometimes it’s because they’re being malicious, sometimes it’s because they’re just being -dumb-, but my gosh…when people are so mean and judgmental, it is really hard to stand it. It hurts. It didn’t use to hurt as much before, but nowadays, when I am sitting there quietly and people are judging things this way and that, it is really hard. How can people be like this!?
I hesitate to demand people to change, because…seriously, what right do I have to tell you the way that you should be? (none, none whatsoever) But it is kind of hard being different like this.
I am a beautiful, kind, sensitive, wonderful person and it hurts.
It is weird because I know sometimes when I get into these “trouble” phases I get this feeling like, uh oh, I am not doing well…uh oh, I need help. And then I almost become desperate, in a way, because I really want to search for help, and I try to reach out. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes not. But then there are times like this when it’s just like this heavy wave that sets down and gee, I don’t even really feel like trying.
Good luck noticing my upcoming absence. I know I’m just being bitter, but I feel that the OHC community will probably notice my absence more than my actual friends will.