I don’t like seeing people be mean, and I don’t like seeing people being sad.  A lot of people don’t show very much sadness in public, so usually it’s the former that gives me more trouble, because my =gosh= people are mean in public.  And I don’t mean “mean” as in doing terrible horrible things; I just mean being “inconsiderate”…and I guess I just have a very high standard for being considerate of others, so all =sorts= of things fall into that category.  I mean, some people think of me as some sort of saint or something.  But…argh!  It’s not that hard to just respect the feelings of other people!!!  *sigh*

There are very few people in this world (count em, 4) whom I actually become “attached” to, in a way that makes my relationship with them reside on a fundamentally different level of existence than my relationship with anyone else.  I find it “amusing” (not really the right word) that there are people outside of these 4 that consider me a “good friend”, maybe even one of their closest.  To me, that speaks to how different other people’s worlds are from mine.  I know it’s not like that for everyone else, because I know there are a lot of other close relationships out there (at least, I would =hope= so…), but for a lot of people, I at least don’t seem to -see- it.

Anyways, the fact that people outside of my “inner sanctum” (called such because I actually have an imaginary spirit world in my head that their spirit versions reside in) consider me to be a “good friend” is kind of weird.  Because, I’m really quite closed off to people outside of that inner sanctum.  Well, okay, “closed off” isn’t the right word, because really I’m quite an open person (come on, look at what you’re reading right now)…but, the way I act and feel around my closest people is totally different.  I’m usually extremely reserved…the last Jammix I went to, I spent almost the entire afterparty just sitting there listening to everybody else.  When I’m with these people, I’m still reserved, but it’s totally different, because you can see that I’m happy just from being around them.  It’s true–one of them can actually “beam” happiness to me by smiling at me.

My original point with this, I think, is that, even though I just generally don’t like seeing people being sad, when it’s one of these people, it’s just crushing for me, which is why it’s possible for me to get sympathetic bouts of sobbing (which seem to be much easier than crying for myself, but…I guess that’s to be expected) when that happens.  And if you’re =mean= to one of my closest people, little angelic me might just bypass all of the usual considerations and go *after* you.

I just kind of have higher standards.  As my onee-chan said, I just do friendship very intensely.  Even for my “normal friends”, I feel like sometimes I go over what’s normally expected from a friendship.  Maybe not quite so much nowadays because I’m busy focusing more on my 4 precious people, but there has definitely been that trend in the past.

Of course, there are STILL people who manage to make me turn away from them, which is pretty freaking ridiculous.  Case in point, xmas letters…if I am willing to write you a full, thoughtful, handwritten letter in lovely stationery (when I’ve got like 40 other ones to write), and you can’t even get your darn mailing address to me, you’re just plain missing out.  All you have to do is send me an address, and you get a lovely handwritten letter from a friend!  How is that a bad trade!?  Ugh!  *throws hands up in air*

So like…I always tell people to not worry about it, and I don’t judge or anything, and I totally just accept whatever people are and however they want to be, and all that good stuff (it’s the considerate thing to do, no?), I really do wish people would hold themselves to better standards.  Like…just a little bit.

Also, totally offtopic, but please never try to be fake to me.  Unless you’re really great at it, it’s just way too easy for me to see through, and it’s just kind of annoying.  It already bugs me enough when people are fake to -others-…ugh!


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