I am not searching for someone to make me whole, but someone with whom to share my wholeness.
Do I make games just so that I can play them?
Well, ask a painter: do they make paintings just so that they can look at them?
Sometimes when I get frustrated with you-know-who, they tell me “you don’t have to get upset; i’m just =saying= things…it’s okay to talk about it”. And you know what? That’s a load of bullcrap. Yes, it’s important to be open, honest, and have good communication and all that, but that doesn’t mean you should go and saythings that you know will just hurt people unnecessarily, or just repeat things that you’ve already said time and time again just because you’re being stubborn.
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will destroy your psyche.
Have you ever wondered, or wished, if you were destined to be in a world that was something more? You know, Harry Potter style. Escaping from the mundane routine of problem sets, papers, school, work, responsibilities, meetings, eating, sleeping (or sometimes not sleeping)? I know Kiki has probably felt this way a lot, which is why I knew it made sense for her to go off into Franceland, because it’s a step closer to some mystical place of adventures for her.
So, I never ever feel that way about the world. Because my life is already super-amazing; I mean just look at the things that I do…making games, making music, dancing, writing letters, …blahblahblah. My life is already awesome. So no, I don’t need to go into some other world to escape this life at all.
For me, the problem isn’t with life, but with the people. I just think sometimes, are people really….all just…like this? People are either mean, noisy, or unhappy, or a combination of the three…and even if they aren’t, everyone is so busy being a crazy college kid, or getting their butt kicked by lack of sleep and classes and jobs and yaddayaddayadda. I mean I’m sorry, honestly sorry, because I’m not one to gloat, but really, from time to time, it really depresses me when I see myself sailing through life like this, while everyone else is getting all bogged down.
Cynicism helps me make humor of the bad impressions I have on “other people” as a whole, but it can only go so far. When people don’t try, don’t care, that makes me frustrated. When people don’t have their stuff together, that makes me sad. When people can’t get along, it makes me annoyed.
So yes, sometimes I wonder, what is wrong with everybody? That they are unable to hold themselves to the standards that I would consider so basic. That they fail to act mature, that they fail to learn from their mistakes, that they fail to REASON LOGICALLY about things in rational ways.
It’s like I could cry out to the world, “=this= is what you are? THIS is the best you can do? Really? This is nothing.” It’s not that you’re not smart enough, not pretty enough, not successful enough, not hard-working enough, not any of those trivial things. It’s not that you’re stupid, it’s that you’re STUPID, in that thinking about the future, or human interactions, or time-management, or priotities, or -whatever-, is something that you just can’t seem to handle.
I’ve often told people that the reason I have so much free time to do so much “stuff” is because I ditch class all the time. But you know, to be honest, I don’t think that’s really the reason. It certainly helps a great deal, but I’m sure I could manage to do just as much “stuff” even if I went to every single one of my classes. If I knew that going to class was the reason so many of my friends from leading sleep-deprived, stressful, jampacked lives, I would just start being adamant about people ditching class all the time. But I’m not convinced that’s the reason. I think it’s something deeper.
I’d like to say that I have at least a -little- bit of experience with it, because there =have= been times when I’ve been a “crazy college kid” as well, and super-busy and all that. But you know what? Even during those times, I still don’t slip up. If anything, my drive to keep up with everything kicks into overdrive at those times because I know those times are when it tends to be most important.
But you know, it just makes me sad sometimes. It makes me sad that so many of my friends have lives that I can’t even wedge myself into. It makes me sad when people are troubled so much by academics. It makes me =sad=, when I sit in my room at night and feel so alone, because everyone else is either trying to get sleep for the morning, or busy cramming away on work. It makes me sad that people can’t figure out UIs, controls, things that seem basic to me, and it makes me just as sad when they don’t even care or bother to try. It makes me sad to see people think of their own opinions as golden, to assume that their viewpoints are correct, to bash other people, to rage at injustices.
It feels lonely sometimes.
“What do you want in a relationship?” has been a tricky question for me to answer, especially considering my shortage of experiences, but certain things have started to become more clear about it to me.
I have realized that I can’t be together with someone who doesn’t have space for me in their lives. I absolutely cannot be forced to wedge myself into someone’s life. I need someone who is willing to balance the equation. To most people, I am eager and more than willing to be that person who is always faithfully there despite not expecting anything in return, but that won’t work for a relationship. Because what I want is for someone to care about me. I mean, REALLY care about me. I want that someone to be someone whom I can talk to about whatever new song I’ve produced, whatever new tetris record I set, about some coding project, about a glowsticking session. And that’s not because I just want someone whom I can share all my hobbies with. No, that’s not it; it’s more basic. I want someone who actually =cares=, who cares enough to =listen= to ME.
In simple, simple terms. I want to be with someone who doesn’t have a “noisy” life. That doesn’t mean that I should be with someone who is extremely soft like I am, but they should not be noisy, and they should not have a noisy life. Because I would just feel alone.
It’s like I’m on a different wavelength than everyone else, sometimes. As if my brainwaves are beta waves, whereas all of yours are alpha waves (no, that wasn’t meant to be scientific at all). And yes, I can tune in to all of the chatter on the other channel, but you know, after a while, it’s just kind of tiring.
“soft” vs “noisy” seems to be more and more a central focus of my persona. “Soft” has already long-been the primary adjective I use to describe myself, but nowadays I can even see “noisy” as being the main antagonistic one. It’s not just “loud”, because loud seems to denote volume only, but “noisy” has that added connotation that everything is chaotic, or buzzing, or in general just not calm and tranquil.
It’s been a while since I’ve gone down these sorts of thoughts–I don’t really care to describe how I think my mind arrived here (it’s not important, or significant, or upsetting; rather mundane), but at least it gets me ranting long posts.
My life is so amazing I could almost cry. I can’t stop listening to this waltz I made last night, except for brief periods to listen to the other songs I’ve finished up recently which are just as awesome but in different ways. I just came back from Japanese class where I sat next to a nice girl who was a great conversation partner, and I was late to that Japanese class because I was at office hours chatting with my sensei for the first time in a while and having a lively conversation. Before that I did a 2-step with Kaitlin that was totally =spot-on=. Before that I had Richard play my waltz to see how it sounded in Roble and it was totally awesome. Before that was social dance class where he played the source tune for my song while he was teaching redowa. And yesterday I had friends over for a successfully-cooked lunch, and had chocolate chip cookies (frozen) too.
I’m eating lunch now, and then tonight is another round of OHC. I don’t know if I’m even going to be able to nap before then because I’m just brimming with awesomeness. But at some point between now and tomorrow I’ll be finishing up this waltz and making an alternate cross-step version. And tomorrow is another office hours session with sensei.
I’m sitting here at 3:30AM and really not feeling like not doing anything. I wouldn’t say I’m really burned out per se, more like I just feel like I’ve “done enough awesome” for today. Sorry Wushu kids, I know I’m giving you the cold shoulder here but to be honest, you had it coming and more importantly, I don’t regret it at all because instead of getting wrapped up in =that= mess, I created an amazing waltz song that I have dreams of premiering at a dance event in the near future.
It felt really good this time because this was one of those really rare cases when I had a musical idea in mind–a melody, progression, and everything in mind, even, since this was a remix–and when I got down to it, it actually =worked=. Normally I really struggle to put out things when I have preconceived ideas, and for a few minutes it was looking like that was how this was going to be too…I had only added a couple of elements, and it really didn’t seem to be clicking. But then I kept going anyways and after I got my lead, drums, bass, pad, second bass, and arp, it all fit together and I was like “hooohhhhh boy, we’ve got ourselves a good one.”
That sort of magical “yes!” moment is a really satisfying thing. It happens when you’re coding games too–you reach that point where you can see the very first inklings of your actual core gameplay and although it’s not all really there, you can see that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, and even though it’s very far away you can rest easy because you know it’s there.
With music it’s kind of similar, except it’s much more hit-or-miss for me, because sometimes that “yes!” moment never happens. Just chalk it up to variations in inspiration or whatever…but not all ideas end up bearing fruit.
So it makes me all the more thankful when they do.
Timmie Wong: i get out of class at 12:15
Timmie Wong: is that okay?
Timmie Wong: or do you need me to ditch that class and meet earlier
Yeah, this is why whenever I’m scheduling meetings and appointments and dates and such with friends, I ask them when =they’re= free, because my schedule is really free and flexible in comparison to all you crazy kids.
In understanding why I like trance music, it probably helps to remove the connotations of the word “rave” from your mind and instead focus on thinking about “trance” in terms of a mental state of being.
It’s interesting in that trance actually has a unique sort of “organic” nature to it that I don’t really find in other music forms. I know that sounds weird because trance is all about digital (well, or analog) synths and electronic sounds and everything, but when you’re losing yourself in a pumping sidechained bassline, the “flow” of the music, or the “feel” of the rhythm can be very organic to me, in that the sounds wash over you like an ocean, rather than “just notes” being played by musical instruments. (yes yes i’m overgeneralizing)