I’ve said time and time again that it’s difficult to track and enumerate the ways in which I’ve changed throughout college, in comparison to the ways in which I changed throughout high school (found my identity, became Timm[ie], found out what real friendship was, etc).
However, I think one of the ways I’ve changed (I think!) is that I no longer have to look/search for new things to do in my life. As an angel told me recently, it’s like I’ve sort of already figured things out–what makes me happy and what I like. And it definitely feels like yes, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just…set. Like, I have everything I need, in a nice sustainable way, and I don’t really need anything else. There is still sort of a longing for companionship there in some regards, and sometimes it’s the slightest bit frustrating that other people’s lives are so much “noisier” (I feel like just as “soft” has become my de-facto adjective, “noisy” has gotten a sort of antithetical quality in my mind lately), but as I realized recently, I am not searching for someone to complete me, but for someone to share my completeness with.
I mean, I’ve always had a pretty laid-back attitude towards things, but nowadays it’s even more nonchalant because it’s like I have it all down. It’s not even just that things are all under control–it’s that there’s nothing that even seems like it =wouldn’t= be under control. I bet it shows in my dancing too–nowadays I’m just a lot more confident when I dance.
And of course, if my classes at CCRMA have taught me anything, it’s that 7 years of producing electronic music have made me into quite a force to be reckoned with and that I’m just totally awesome at making music, and coding, and all that stuff. And there’s other stuff, like getting 24th place in Ludum Dare which proved my worth in coding, game design, pixel art, and music–all of it.
I’m just kind of awesome. I mean, even more than before.