Sometimes I think about the way in which I interact with the internet, I think of the social media mess, I think about everything and I have a mini mental freakout moment where I suddenly scream to myself, “my god, what the hell am I DOING?”
I already know that there are many things that give me an icky feeling when I think about them. I’ve developed very strong distastes for certain kinds of behavior. My hate against FB birthday parades has gotten to the point where I simply will. not. tolerate. it. at. all., and won’t partake in it either. And now I’ve banned myself from using the Like button too, and that’s actually worked out great for me.
But still, I’m posting these status updates on FB, Twitter, and G+, and also on my IM status, and I post them all the time, but wait, do people REALLY care? Are these actually things that people want to see from me? Or am I just posting them for my own sake?
On the one hand…yes, they are things that people want to see. For the same reason that I liked the xanga of old–because they give you an insight into people’s lives–they let you share bits and pieces with people that you might not otherwise get the chance to. But on the other hand, maybe this is completely analogous to all of those people who I find to be So Utterly Noisy in real life–maybe I just do all of that chatter and shouting for my own benefit online, instead of in person.
It worries me a lot lately, this feeling of shouting into the void. I keep on trying to think of ways to avoid it, to make things better, possibly–to get away from these unnerving feelings. When the ratio of things that you say versus things that you hear back is so high, isn’t that worrisome?
I try and change the little things from time to time. Sometimes I try to act as the angel that observes, listens, talks back when you shout into the void. But sometimes I still don’t really know.