Early Christmas / Stepping Back / Ready

I’m back home in sunnyvale, the weather is cool, and the sun is nowhere to be seen.  I’m sitting in my room staying up really late without any schoolwork to do, taking care of my own stuff while my parents are sleep.  A special candle is here in this room, given to me by a girl whom I used to love…I brought it to my room at Stanford for awhile, but it’s back here now, as part of my incremental move-out process.  The candle is seldom ever lit, but gives off a particular smell–one that always welcomes me when I step back into this room.  It’s a smell that reminds me of home and winter.

It’s almost like it’s Christmas again.

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It’s not often now that I think back on my days as a drum major (i still have a book of stories I’m supposed to finish about that though)…which is good, and healthy.  Even when I do look back on it now, it seems sort of hazy, blurred with time.  And it seems so distant, and hardly important, though I know and understand that it meant a world to me back then.  I don’t have regrets about it like I used to.  I think my only regret is that Kristina wasn’t there to see me in my role as section leader, nor in my role as drum major.  And that’s a shame.  She would be proud…and I feel like she’d understand things better.  She’s always been my DM buddy after all.

Somehow this christmasy mood really makes me think of Kristina and Elizabeth and everyone else.  Which is actually wonderful, because these are the people whom I’m going to be returning to this summer.  Wow, it really is like Christmas came early this year.  You guys have no idea how thankful I am for this weather.

…But anyways, I think I’m finally, finally able to step back and look at all of that marching band experience as part of a bigger picture within my life now.  I mean yes, I always knew it was a big part of my life and I realized how it changed me and affected me and yaddayadda, but now when I look at it, I actually see it as part of a series of other things…all of that unspoken anger and frustration and exhaustion that burbled inside of me while I was DM–that’s connected to the RSI fiasco, and all the times I spent in college feeling repressed feelings of sadness.  Now that I’ve finally begun to break that cycle, I’ve finally gotten more of a sense of hindsight.

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My angel said to me not too long ago that I seem like I’m ready for someone.

Yeah.  I am.  Not even someone who’ll drop out of the air…not even necessarily a princess in shining armor who will come and sweep me off my feet…but somehow, yes.  I’m ready for someone.  And someone’s out there.  Maybe more than one person, but at -least- one person.  They have to be.

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