I’m kind of a bad staff member, to be honest…I realize this when I compare myself to all the other members of staff and figure out that I’ve probably done less for Kimball than anyone else on staff.  The only thing I’m good at is my super-great response time with the registration system requests (which aren’t even important anymore since everyone’s already basically connected on the network by this time) and ruling the chatlist with a heavy iron fist (which some might even criticize).  Well, I guess I also lend out the kitchenette key, and I -do- help people with actual computer issues every so often, but…not that often, and sometimes I can’t even help them.

I’m good taking meeting notes though–perhaps it might have been good if I could just take notes for every staff meeting we have (that wouldn’t work with the system we have).  I did take notes for most of the ATA meetings in the past, which felt nice.

To be honest part of me doesn’t feel bad for not doing as much.  When I go to staff meetings and sit there without saying a word the entire time, for example, I don’t feel bad about it at all–I’m just being efficient and not saying unnecessary things.

For some reason staff meetings tend to stress me out nowadays, though, and I’m not even sure why.  I can’t write it off as a fluke either, because it’s happened at least the past 2 times in a row.  That’s actually the reason I didn’t feel so bad about not making it last week (I was back home at the time)…for some reason staff meeting makes me uneasy.  I think I get into that “scowly” mood where my mind is busy buzzing about with worries and stuff.  Somehow I get anxious and can’t relax when we’re talking about plans and such.  Maybe it’s because during staff meetings I go into a very analytical mood and basically just process, process, process whatever people are saying.  It’s weird.

I used to think that my role was to be a warm and friendly spirit to half of the staff (guess which half?) and that I would indirectly help out just by keeping them sane and showing them that I cared, but nowadays I’m not doing that much anymore because I’m busy spending time with my sister…so now I can only be that calming angelic spirit towards my Kiki.

It’s okay though.  I’m happy with the place where I am right now.  And to be honest, I think I’m entitled to worry about my own well-being.  I think Kiki would agree too, that I should be focusing on strengthening my own emotional health, because I’ve had so many issues with that in the past.  So I should fret about these sorts of things…(and I’m not).


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