I’m sitting here on my bed with an inexplicable urge to write something, despite the fact that no real subjects are coming to mind. Why is that? Maybe it’s because I didn’t talk as much today as in the previous days so I it feels like I didn’t get my daily quota of expression? That -could- be it, though I wouldn’t bet on it for sure.
Here, have a quote from Madoka:
I’ve saved plenty of people. But in exchange, resentment and pain took root in my heart. I’m even hurting my dearest friend now.
As much as I wished for the happiness of one…Someone else must be equally cursed. That’s how the story of a magical girl goes…
I’ve been such a fool.
–Sayaka, Madoka Magica ep. 8
Somehow when she said those first two sentences I knew this was a quote I was going to want to write down.
Maybe it’s time to do a stream-of-consciousness-mind-dump post? Meh…I’m not sure I really feel like that. How about let’s just write down at least one or two random things and call it a night–and I do want to just call it a night.
Anki has been a real boon to my Kanji studying–props to Ray for introducing me to it. It’s just so practical and convenient, and even fun. Though I will miss using my Hello Kitty flashcards…
Only problem is that I don’t have a way yet of training my vocab…so I might forget random things like how to say “win the lottery” or “refrigerator” or something like that. But that’s not -quite- as important anyhow, since I feel like for vocab, the ones that are important just naturally stick in your mind anyways. And as I learn more Kanji I’ll learn more vocab as a direct corollary.
My angel’s in trouble lately. I was hoping she wouldn’t have some sort of drastic fall from grace…actually, I’m still hoping that. She’s not quite out of danger yet, it feels like. Interestingly enough, she hasn’t actually told me much anything about the danger she’s in, other than the fact that she’s been troubled. But I can still sense it. I’m very observant. I can put two and two together, and fast.
The physicality I saw at senior formal went from being funny, to annoying, to pathetic, to almost revolting. Not even the physical acts themselves, because I didn’t pay attention to the details (yeechh)…but the nature of things. Where somehow loud music and dancing serves as some kind of excuse for touching and rubbing body parts together. It’s more disturbing when you see people you know become engrossed in that sort of mood–it just surprises me a little more. And then there’s the music, of course, trying to forcefeed me particular kinds of emotions that I don’t even have receptors for.
I’m not saying that we should all just do social dance and be done with it because that’s better–because that’s not true; i’m down with other kinds of dancing as well. But don’t sully my dance floor. My dance floor is supposed to be pure, atmospheric, euphoric, emotional. You close your eyes and listen to the music and free yourself. You either feel yourself soaring up, up, up as the epic supersaw pads resound throughout your body, or you cringe in delight as a gritty sidechained bassline pulsates rhythmically through you. But you don’t shout. you don’t yell. you don’t fist pump. it’s just flow.
I think at some point during the whole event I had the amusing thought: hey, what if everyone at this event was like me? Imagine how much lower the volume level would be! Some of us would make our dance circles and cheer each other on, but others of us would just go solo and pretend no one else in the world exists.
They played You Belong With Me at one point and at the time I was already pooped and, more importantly, disillusioned. But I can definitely enjoy the song; I haven’t listened to it in a long while now so there’s no “ew” sensation left with it….well, maybe. Anyhow, I took out my earbuds (did I mention I brought earbuds? They helped with noise cancellation; they were super-handy, along with me plugging my own ears using air pressure every so often) and sat there and sang silently along, while everyone downstairs on the dancefloor jumped up and down and shouted the lyrics. You know, the lyrics of that song don’t actually quite work for me. The details get it wrong…but the sentiment is still there. But I don’t know whether I should be surprised or not surprised that the sentiment of the song seems (seemed?) to resound with a really big general audience as well. Yeah, there’s the whole unrequited love thing; I guess maybe that’s what pulls everyone in. But I wonder how many people also find resonance in the “I’m being silently nice without being appreciated” theme.
I’m drawn without fail to the quiet girls whenever I watch anime nowadays, it seems. Okay, granted–Sumomo in Nanatsuiro Drops isn’t a quiet girl, really, so it’s interesting how much I absolutely adored her, but that aside, when I watched Crescent Love I was like “oh, Wreathlit–I want to know more about her. I like her. She’s quiet and she seems sad. Immediate empathy.”. And now with Madoka I see Homura and I’m like “oh, she’s quiet. She’s quiet, observant, knowing, and she hides a certain kind of sadness. I know I will probably empathize with this girl.” It was much the same with Fate Testarossa from Nanoha, and of course we can’t ever forget about Nagato from Haruhi.
But…everything aside, I’m thankful for certain things. Very thankful. And you know what? It seems almost surreal–like what did I do to deserve any of this? But you know what, that’s not true at all. This is what I’ve deserved all along, and it’s just that I’ve gotten so used to being cheated and screwed over by life that I’ve just forgotten what things are -supposed- to be like.
Don’t count on me to just sit by and take your crap.