FB accounts reactivated.  Those of you who know me really well might know why they were silently deactivated.  …or, you might not. (hint: look at my entries a year back)

A weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and now I can rest a little bit more easy…and continue my longing feeling.

“What triggered the anomalous behavior that Nagato cannot understand? What exactly was the error data that she’s been accumulating? It was the most basic of things. Even for an AI that shouldn’t stray from its program parameters, or a robot, given enough time, it’s natural for that to develop. You won’t understand, but I do. And Haruhi probably does too. That, Nagato, is what we call ’emotions’. You were designed to be emotionless, so your reaction to it was that much stronger. Every now and then, you must have wanted to cry or scream or yell ‘I don’t care anymore!’ No, even if you didn’t think that way, maybe you should have. We should have let you. I’m also partially responsible. I came to rely on her too much, just letting her deal with everything. I figured that as long as she could handle everything, I could stop thinking. I was even more of an idiot than Haruhi. I don’t have the right to point any fingers. And as a result, Nagato was driven to the point where she wanted to change the world.”

My angel talked to me yesterday, though, and reminded me of something that she has been insisting on often recently: I need to be stronger.

But she put it another way last night too–she didn’t just say that I need to be stronger, and to have my own strength, but she said that I need to let go.  I keep on trying to hold onto things, she said.  And she’s right.  Whether it be worries, emotions, or people, I hold on to them, and don’t want to let go.  That’s why I’m afraid of goodbyes–always hesitant, longing.  I can never just let things be and relax–I always curl up, both emotionally, mentally, and physically.  The only way I can let go is to have the catharsis from crying, and even then, sometimes…

Freud would probably have a field day with me.

It’s ironic because I’m such a calm and relaxed person, yet…on the inside, deep inside, I can’t manage to relax at all–I’m so tense and tight and even when someone is trying, trying to help me let go, I can’t.  My eyes dart from place to place, never settling.  My voice cracks.  I open and close my mouth.

Someday I’ll find someone to take care of me.  But…my angel is probably right.  As much as I hate to admit it, I need to learn to take care of myself first.


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