If I forced myself to go without blogging, without writing, without IMs for a while, would I open up to people more and learn to vocalize myself? Or would I just be driven mad? Maybe I would start talking to myself before I would start talking to others…
It seems as though this quarter I’ve been ranting and venting more about how people are too NOISY and how I need to be more selfish and not take any crap from anyone. I think I used to rant more about how people suck in general, but now it does seem like a shift towards me centering on how people are noisy.
It’s interesting though because perhaps my closest friend is one of the loudest people I know, hahaha. I guess this is a source of tension within my life and this is why it’s healthy for me to vent about it. (don’t worry, I vent about it to that person directly too!)
My mother used to pressure me into social situations that I felt uncomfortable with. Actually, she still does. She obviously wants me to be a different person than I am–less passive, less introverted, less…”weird”, in a way. It was probably harder on me when I was growing up since I didn’t have nearly as strong a sense of the kind of person that I wanted to be.
But yes, even now she still does it–she still goes “do this! do this! don’t you want to do this!? are you sure!?” and it bothers me. If it were me alone, it would be alright–I would either do exactly what I want, and no more, or I would be having a mental debate with myself as to whether or not I should throw myself into an uncertain situation. But with her there, there’s this screaming annoying thing there and that’s the only thing I can focus on. And ironically enough, I can’t give in. I can’t give in because it would feel lame. It would feel like a defeat. It would feel like I’m doing things only because she tells me to. Yes, I still have the rebellious spirit in me–it’s still going very strong. And so all I can do is activate my social, emotional, and mental shield and just stand there as passively as I can, ignoring everything, and not letting a hint of any emotions show. Sometimes I even try to remove myself from reality entirely in order to help me deal with it, because it’s a goddamn troublesome situation and that’s sometimes the easiest way for me to deal with it–to just remove myself from the moment entirely.
Yes, in many ways my quietness is due to my mother’s loudness. Not only is it the only way that I know how to deal with it–to shut myself down–but it’s also because I simply find it repulsive and annoying. Today she came to visit and she told me to bring a jacket. Bring a warmer jacket. Is that all you’re going to wear? You should bring something else. The white jacket. Are you sure? It’s supposed to be really cold. Bring the jacket. And of course, the thing is, I was already planning to bring the white jacket. That’s the whole reason it’s laid out there, so that I can grab it and take it with me. But you see, now if I just take it, then it’s a defeat–i’ll be bringing it because she told me to. Anger ensues. But the main thing that bothers me is not the fact that she’s worried about something insignificant; not the fact that I don’t want to admit a defeat; not the fact that I’m annoyed that she told me something I already knew myself. Yes, those all bother me, but the thing that bothers me more is the incessant voicing. The incessant voicing of thoughts. There’s no stopping it–there’s just no stopping it. Whenever a thought flows in, it comes out of her mouth. There’s nothing held back, there’s nothing that just stays in the mind as a worry or concern–no, they have to be voiced as advice and opinions. That’s why we so frequently have these car rides with me and my parents where she’s the only one talking, about anything and everything.
And yes, she does it because she worries about me, but that’s what bothers me–it’s something I don’t want, because it’s incessant and it never stops. Every little thing. I can’t stand it when it’s everything and it always just comes assaulting me like a hailstorm. You look stressed; do you have too much homework? You sneezed; are you getting sick? You’re going to catch a cold, you need to wear more. Have you been taking vitamins? Make sure you wash your hands; lots of people are getting sick. Isn’t that one girl sick? You should stay away from her.
There’s this one “McDull” animation clip where McDull’s mother just talks really fast cantonese to the father for like 4 minutes straight, which illustrates the feeling perfectly, but unfortunately I can’t seem to find it.
I actually got in a bad mood today because the thing about the jacket made me start thinking, and then I recalled the time when it was the worst. Back during the RSI fiasco, before I had learned the truth, she once said to me something to the extent of, you should have done something about this earlier; you should have told us earlier; maybe if you had done something about this it wouldn’t have gotten to this point. And that almost made me snap. It was the very last thing I wanted to hear, because those were my thoughts that I was ALREADY thinking and I didn’t want to hear it; i didn’t want to hear it; i already knew it so I didn’t want to hear it at all. It’s like having something go wrong and then having someone say “I told you so!” and laughing in your face–there’s no reason that I should need any more words. It’s like those people (my father, hewhoshallnotbenamed#1 and hewhoshallnotbenamed#2) who always chide you after you make a mistake. After an accident or a problem, there’s two things that they’ll say. The first thing is “that’s no good” and the second is “you should do better next time”. And I hate it. I hate hate hate hate hate it because I’m not a dummy; I’m not a little kid and so these kinds of things are unnecessary. Why don’t you just tell me “never make a mistake or have anything bad happen for the rest of your life” and just be done with it? Why must you insist on constantly, constantly reminding me of things that I already know and don’t want to hear again?
And so I almost snapped at that time. “SHUT UP!” I must have cried. I didn’t want to hear it. Of course my mother said it was only because she cared, so that next time it would be better, that it’s okay to talk about these things. But I didn’t want any of it. I wanted to hear none of it. I almost threw a tantrum.
And so today I imagined that scene turning into another scene that I sometimes think about–a scene where my mother (most of the time it’s my mother, but not always) is saying something and I’m crying for them to shut up, because I don’t want to hear it. “shut up shut up SHUT UP” I shout. I scream, and it doesn’t stop. “God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you!? Just be quiet, god dammit”, and then in some variations of the scene I even threaten to physically harm myself. And when that doesn’t work; when I have no choices left the only thing I can do is just run away. If they won’t be quiet then the only thing I can do is just run away, far far away so I won’t hear them.
I inherited the overachieving, constantly constantly worrying nature of my mother. But unlike either my father or my mother (closer to my father, but still noticeably different), I learned to tame it and to cage it. And you may think that that’s a bad thing, but it’s not. To have all of your thoughts bounce out into the world, where all they can do is harm…that’s something I never want.
Funnily enough though, this quarter I’ve imagined a day where I cast away all of the inhibitions and try to put aside that mental block, and just say shit as it is. To complain freely; to express all of my desires, no matter how selfish, insignificant, or unreasonable. To whine when I feel bad or upset. To shift the focus of attention to myself.
It’s repulsive, almost. It runs counter to my entire being. I don’t even know if it’s possible at all. Sure, there are days when I’m a little bit more open…but never like that; not even when I’m drunk (maybe I haven’t gotten drunk enough). The frustrating part is that I also imagine a possibility that other people might like that version of me better. That maybe -i’d- like that version of me better. Or well, no…I’d never like that version of me better, but I can imagine that it would lead to better things happening to me. After all, how often do you see loud, obnoxious, selfish people rise to the top and get things that they want? (hint: it’s more often than never) Part of the reason I haven’t given serious thought to ever actually acting out that day is because I don’t know if it’s possible at all for me to actually do that. But another reason is that I’m just simply afraid of the consequences. I don’t want to have my way of life be invalidated by trying this other, repulsive lifestyle and having it turn out well. Because I like my way of life, and I’m proud of my way of life, and I think that everyone else is in the wrong; not me.
DDRKirbyISQ: got my internship offer!
DDRKirbyISQ: apparently they’re paying me at the master’s salary rate
DDRKirbyISQ: THAT MUST BE BECAUSE I HAVE M RANK IN DEATH MODE
Okay what the heck. Not only is it cute, but now Yuuki is being all quiet-and-don’t-rely-on-others-type and the romantic tension is tugging at my heartstrings because of empathic feelings, and Sumomo’s bouts of emotion are agggghhh…..and….oh jeez…T_T
Although this post will probably seem like a huge dig at pop music, it’s not meant to be…well, at least not entirely xD.
I’ve had this thought a long time ago but never put it down quite yet. Basically, if you look at the way that “-that- pop music” (the annoying stuff they always play on the radio) is structured, you can see why people like it, and why I don’t.
People like to talk. In fact, people like talking more than listening. The corollary to this is that people like to sing, not just listen. Thus, pop music lets them do just that–because it’s got simple melodies and is chock full of repetition, you already know how the song goes after listening to not even half of it. In fact, some times this goes to an even farther extreme: instead of having actual lyrics (you’d have to learn them in order to sing along!), it just goes “laaaalaaallaalalalaa”, or “eee eee… eehhh ee ehhhh”, and then after hearing the riff ONCE, you already know how to sing 50% of the rest of the song.
People like to focus on only one thing at a time. That’s the melody line. The vocal line. That’s why the rest of the song is so simplistic–that’s why you don’t get drum fills and variations and breakbeats and glitching, but instead you just get one canned drum loop that plays again and again–because people don’t care about the drum hits; they just care about that one vocal line (that they’re trying to sing along to, remember?). So why detract from it?
People are upfront. People are blunt. There’s no doubt about what kind of message these kinds of songs are trying to bring out. Because people like feeling sexy. They like feeling smooth and cool. That’s that “in da CLUB” feeling.
But you see, I don’t like to talk. I hate to talk, so I don’t like words. I don’t want to sing along to my songs; I want to listen to them in euphoria. (I’m not even mentioning rap, which uses even -more- words) And I don’t want to focus on only one thing at a time. That’s boring! I need to focus on multiple things at a time–the harmonies, the rhythmic interactions, the complexities of the tonal balance. That’s interesting. And I’m not upfront at all. There is no message to the kind of music I listen to–only a feeling. And what’s more, it’s a gradual washing wave of feeling. Euphoric, uplifting. Pop music is ADHD in comparison, because what kind of normal person would have the patience to listen to an 8-minute-long trance song? No, they want their satisfaction NOW. They can’t wait because they aren’t patient. They aren’t used to waiting. Why wait? Why slow down? Let’s just jump from place to place; not spending enough time on anything. No single thing really matters that much anyways. It’s just whatever is the spur of the moment.
It’s funny because nowadays when I hear pop music I dislike it even more because not only do I have a really hard time appreciating the music (though I chuckle when I notice things like supersaw basses and sidechaining), but now it reminds me of the reasons why I hate PEOPLE.
Also, I had the thought today that if you had to make a generalization, people who spend more time communicating through the internet might possibly be people who communicate less in real life. And to me, perhaps that might be a desirable trait. Everyone is noisy. URUSAI.
I know it’s just because I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum that I dislike it, but I still dislike it all the same. I bet that means there are also people who dislike me because of my quietness…but I’m inclined to think that it’s not 50-50: my quietness probably doesn’t bother people as much as other people’s loudness bothers me. That’s the whole point, after all, of being quiet in the first place, is to not bother other people…
“Snow will fall to elevations as low as 1,500 to 2,500 feet in the San Francisco Bay Area Thursday into Friday. By Friday night into Saturday, it’s not out of the question that some flakes may fall to as low as sea level in the Bay Area. This is all dependent on how much moisture is leftover as the coldest air arrives.”
Just woke up from a “nap” that went from 8PM-ish to 3:00AM. Been a while since I’ve done this……..let’s get crackin! =)
Actually, I don’t know just how well this bodes for me later as I’ve got a pretty packed day starting in like 6 hours–interview at 9:30, class at 11AM, change, class at 1, change, interview in palo alto at 3:30, change, wushu practice at 6. On the plus side it’s not supposed to be raining, because that would just make everything harder.