If I forced myself to go without blogging, without writing, without IMs for a while, would I open up to people more and learn to vocalize myself? Or would I just be driven mad? Maybe I would start talking to myself before I would start talking to others…
It seems as though this quarter I’ve been ranting and venting more about how people are too NOISY and how I need to be more selfish and not take any crap from anyone. I think I used to rant more about how people suck in general, but now it does seem like a shift towards me centering on how people are noisy.
It’s interesting though because perhaps my closest friend is one of the loudest people I know, hahaha. I guess this is a source of tension within my life and this is why it’s healthy for me to vent about it. (don’t worry, I vent about it to that person directly too!)
My mother used to pressure me into social situations that I felt uncomfortable with. Actually, she still does. She obviously wants me to be a different person than I am–less passive, less introverted, less…”weird”, in a way. It was probably harder on me when I was growing up since I didn’t have nearly as strong a sense of the kind of person that I wanted to be.
But yes, even now she still does it–she still goes “do this! do this! don’t you want to do this!? are you sure!?” and it bothers me. If it were me alone, it would be alright–I would either do exactly what I want, and no more, or I would be having a mental debate with myself as to whether or not I should throw myself into an uncertain situation. But with her there, there’s this screaming annoying thing there and that’s the only thing I can focus on. And ironically enough, I can’t give in. I can’t give in because it would feel lame. It would feel like a defeat. It would feel like I’m doing things only because she tells me to. Yes, I still have the rebellious spirit in me–it’s still going very strong. And so all I can do is activate my social, emotional, and mental shield and just stand there as passively as I can, ignoring everything, and not letting a hint of any emotions show. Sometimes I even try to remove myself from reality entirely in order to help me deal with it, because it’s a goddamn troublesome situation and that’s sometimes the easiest way for me to deal with it–to just remove myself from the moment entirely.
Yes, in many ways my quietness is due to my mother’s loudness. Not only is it the only way that I know how to deal with it–to shut myself down–but it’s also because I simply find it repulsive and annoying. Today she came to visit and she told me to bring a jacket. Bring a warmer jacket. Is that all you’re going to wear? You should bring something else. The white jacket. Are you sure? It’s supposed to be really cold. Bring the jacket. And of course, the thing is, I was already planning to bring the white jacket. That’s the whole reason it’s laid out there, so that I can grab it and take it with me. But you see, now if I just take it, then it’s a defeat–i’ll be bringing it because she told me to. Anger ensues. But the main thing that bothers me is not the fact that she’s worried about something insignificant; not the fact that I don’t want to admit a defeat; not the fact that I’m annoyed that she told me something I already knew myself. Yes, those all bother me, but the thing that bothers me more is the incessant voicing. The incessant voicing of thoughts. There’s no stopping it–there’s just no stopping it. Whenever a thought flows in, it comes out of her mouth. There’s nothing held back, there’s nothing that just stays in the mind as a worry or concern–no, they have to be voiced as advice and opinions. That’s why we so frequently have these car rides with me and my parents where she’s the only one talking, about anything and everything.
And yes, she does it because she worries about me, but that’s what bothers me–it’s something I don’t want, because it’s incessant and it never stops. Every little thing. I can’t stand it when it’s everything and it always just comes assaulting me like a hailstorm. You look stressed; do you have too much homework? You sneezed; are you getting sick? You’re going to catch a cold, you need to wear more. Have you been taking vitamins? Make sure you wash your hands; lots of people are getting sick. Isn’t that one girl sick? You should stay away from her.
There’s this one “McDull” animation clip where McDull’s mother just talks really fast cantonese to the father for like 4 minutes straight, which illustrates the feeling perfectly, but unfortunately I can’t seem to find it.
I actually got in a bad mood today because the thing about the jacket made me start thinking, and then I recalled the time when it was the worst. Back during the RSI fiasco, before I had learned the truth, she once said to me something to the extent of, you should have done something about this earlier; you should have told us earlier; maybe if you had done something about this it wouldn’t have gotten to this point. And that almost made me snap. It was the very last thing I wanted to hear, because those were my thoughts that I was ALREADY thinking and I didn’t want to hear it; i didn’t want to hear it; i already knew it so I didn’t want to hear it at all. It’s like having something go wrong and then having someone say “I told you so!” and laughing in your face–there’s no reason that I should need any more words. It’s like those people (my father, hewhoshallnotbenamed#1 and hewhoshallnotbenamed#2) who always chide you after you make a mistake. After an accident or a problem, there’s two things that they’ll say. The first thing is “that’s no good” and the second is “you should do better next time”. And I hate it. I hate hate hate hate hate it because I’m not a dummy; I’m not a little kid and so these kinds of things are unnecessary. Why don’t you just tell me “never make a mistake or have anything bad happen for the rest of your life” and just be done with it? Why must you insist on constantly, constantly reminding me of things that I already know and don’t want to hear again?
And so I almost snapped at that time. “SHUT UP!” I must have cried. I didn’t want to hear it. Of course my mother said it was only because she cared, so that next time it would be better, that it’s okay to talk about these things. But I didn’t want any of it. I wanted to hear none of it. I almost threw a tantrum.
And so today I imagined that scene turning into another scene that I sometimes think about–a scene where my mother (most of the time it’s my mother, but not always) is saying something and I’m crying for them to shut up, because I don’t want to hear it. “shut up shut up SHUT UP” I shout. I scream, and it doesn’t stop. “God dammit, what the hell is wrong with you!? Just be quiet, god dammit”, and then in some variations of the scene I even threaten to physically harm myself. And when that doesn’t work; when I have no choices left the only thing I can do is just run away. If they won’t be quiet then the only thing I can do is just run away, far far away so I won’t hear them.
I inherited the overachieving, constantly constantly worrying nature of my mother. But unlike either my father or my mother (closer to my father, but still noticeably different), I learned to tame it and to cage it. And you may think that that’s a bad thing, but it’s not. To have all of your thoughts bounce out into the world, where all they can do is harm…that’s something I never want.
Funnily enough though, this quarter I’ve imagined a day where I cast away all of the inhibitions and try to put aside that mental block, and just say shit as it is. To complain freely; to express all of my desires, no matter how selfish, insignificant, or unreasonable. To whine when I feel bad or upset. To shift the focus of attention to myself.
It’s repulsive, almost. It runs counter to my entire being. I don’t even know if it’s possible at all. Sure, there are days when I’m a little bit more open…but never like that; not even when I’m drunk (maybe I haven’t gotten drunk enough). The frustrating part is that I also imagine a possibility that other people might like that version of me better. That maybe -i’d- like that version of me better. Or well, no…I’d never like that version of me better, but I can imagine that it would lead to better things happening to me. After all, how often do you see loud, obnoxious, selfish people rise to the top and get things that they want? (hint: it’s more often than never) Part of the reason I haven’t given serious thought to ever actually acting out that day is because I don’t know if it’s possible at all for me to actually do that. But another reason is that I’m just simply afraid of the consequences. I don’t want to have my way of life be invalidated by trying this other, repulsive lifestyle and having it turn out well. Because I like my way of life, and I’m proud of my way of life, and I think that everyone else is in the wrong; not me.
DDRKirbyISQ: got my internship offer!
DDRKirbyISQ: apparently they’re paying me at the master’s salary rate
DDRKirbyISQ: THAT MUST BE BECAUSE I HAVE M RANK IN DEATH MODE
Okay what the heck. Not only is it cute, but now Yuuki is being all quiet-and-don’t-rely-on-others-type and the romantic tension is tugging at my heartstrings because of empathic feelings, and Sumomo’s bouts of emotion are agggghhh…..and….oh jeez…T_T
Although this post will probably seem like a huge dig at pop music, it’s not meant to be…well, at least not entirely xD.
I’ve had this thought a long time ago but never put it down quite yet. Basically, if you look at the way that “-that- pop music” (the annoying stuff they always play on the radio) is structured, you can see why people like it, and why I don’t.
People like to talk. In fact, people like talking more than listening. The corollary to this is that people like to sing, not just listen. Thus, pop music lets them do just that–because it’s got simple melodies and is chock full of repetition, you already know how the song goes after listening to not even half of it. In fact, some times this goes to an even farther extreme: instead of having actual lyrics (you’d have to learn them in order to sing along!), it just goes “laaaalaaallaalalalaa”, or “eee eee… eehhh ee ehhhh”, and then after hearing the riff ONCE, you already know how to sing 50% of the rest of the song.
People like to focus on only one thing at a time. That’s the melody line. The vocal line. That’s why the rest of the song is so simplistic–that’s why you don’t get drum fills and variations and breakbeats and glitching, but instead you just get one canned drum loop that plays again and again–because people don’t care about the drum hits; they just care about that one vocal line (that they’re trying to sing along to, remember?). So why detract from it?
People are upfront. People are blunt. There’s no doubt about what kind of message these kinds of songs are trying to bring out. Because people like feeling sexy. They like feeling smooth and cool. That’s that “in da CLUB” feeling.
But you see, I don’t like to talk. I hate to talk, so I don’t like words. I don’t want to sing along to my songs; I want to listen to them in euphoria. (I’m not even mentioning rap, which uses even -more- words) And I don’t want to focus on only one thing at a time. That’s boring! I need to focus on multiple things at a time–the harmonies, the rhythmic interactions, the complexities of the tonal balance. That’s interesting. And I’m not upfront at all. There is no message to the kind of music I listen to–only a feeling. And what’s more, it’s a gradual washing wave of feeling. Euphoric, uplifting. Pop music is ADHD in comparison, because what kind of normal person would have the patience to listen to an 8-minute-long trance song? No, they want their satisfaction NOW. They can’t wait because they aren’t patient. They aren’t used to waiting. Why wait? Why slow down? Let’s just jump from place to place; not spending enough time on anything. No single thing really matters that much anyways. It’s just whatever is the spur of the moment.
It’s funny because nowadays when I hear pop music I dislike it even more because not only do I have a really hard time appreciating the music (though I chuckle when I notice things like supersaw basses and sidechaining), but now it reminds me of the reasons why I hate PEOPLE.
Also, I had the thought today that if you had to make a generalization, people who spend more time communicating through the internet might possibly be people who communicate less in real life. And to me, perhaps that might be a desirable trait. Everyone is noisy. URUSAI.
I know it’s just because I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum that I dislike it, but I still dislike it all the same. I bet that means there are also people who dislike me because of my quietness…but I’m inclined to think that it’s not 50-50: my quietness probably doesn’t bother people as much as other people’s loudness bothers me. That’s the whole point, after all, of being quiet in the first place, is to not bother other people…
“Snow will fall to elevations as low as 1,500 to 2,500 feet in the San Francisco Bay Area Thursday into Friday. By Friday night into Saturday, it’s not out of the question that some flakes may fall to as low as sea level in the Bay Area. This is all dependent on how much moisture is leftover as the coldest air arrives.”
Just woke up from a “nap” that went from 8PM-ish to 3:00AM. Been a while since I’ve done this……..let’s get crackin! =)
Actually, I don’t know just how well this bodes for me later as I’ve got a pretty packed day starting in like 6 hours–interview at 9:30, class at 11AM, change, class at 1, change, interview in palo alto at 3:30, change, wushu practice at 6. On the plus side it’s not supposed to be raining, because that would just make everything harder.
Seen in my Japanese homework today:
Also, wow, in my head I was thinking of the difference between practicing speaking a foreign language (where you’re basically trying to quickly think up of ways to express what you want using the tools that you already know) versus doing written compositions in said language (where you have more time to actually figure out what the best way to say things is), and the first thing that came to mind was that this is like comparing manual lock death mode to practicing with unlimited lock delay.
Whoo, what a busy day. I almost feel like I shouldn’t have gone to AOD day 2 so that I’d have more time for other stuff. I hope it doesn’t bite me in the butt later. I think it was fine though; I’m not really regretting it much at all.
Anyways, like I said in the previous post, I didn’t have much I wanted to do at day 2. Not much at all. I was thinking about going to the hideo concert thingamajigger, but ended up not going because I was busy working on coding stuff instead. Probably the right idea, as I could hear it from outside a little anyways.
Bought a few more buttons with Tiphanie, even though perhaps I shouldn’t have. Argg…well, it was only 3 more anyways. It’s okay.
Spent a while just hanging out around our booth, doing coding stuff. I’m actually deciding to change languages and do it in C# instead of C++. Hopefully that ends up being a worthwhile decision! =X
After that Russ’s panel started. I should have been working on letters at that time but I instead played a little touhou:IN and TGM. Argh, this is why I’m so behind. Anyways, after that my friend finally got there to pick me up and we stopped by Stanford so I could change and also grab some stuff. We spent a little too much time listening to random OHC stuff. Oh well.
Then off to dinner at Hong Kong Bistro (the baked fish filet with rice is so good!!!), and after that, off to sunnyvale where we played SSBM and did some freehand for a bit. Recorded both on tape, though I’m not 100% sure that the SSBM footage will be transferrable, and unfortunately the freehand footage was a bit dark. But it’s okay; was still fun anyways.
Tomorrow…will be busy. busy. busy. Have a lot of stuff to do and won’t be possible to do all of them but I gotta do my best anyways.
-Wushu practice in the morning. Largely a nonissue except for the fact that I stupidly ran into a table and banged up my leg pretty bad at con, so it hurts to use that muscle right now. It’s not terribly bad–you can’t even see a bruise or anything, but I might have to take it slightly easy for a day or two. Hopefully.
-Laundry because I am out of socks. good god, how did this happen, nyyyyarrrggggg.
-Shopping with yii wen and andrea! Going to caltrain it to hillsdale and go to forever21, hehe. Okay, after this shopping trip I am not allowed to go buy anything for a long time T_T. Spending way too much money this weekend.
-Need to redo the codebase of CS221 final project in C#, and maybe start on some actual coding stuff. My plan was to have a minimal playable version by wednesday…I don’t know whether I can make that happen =/ Need to do the sprites too…=/
-Gotta transfer the SSBM footage too.
-and I have letters to write. and gotta study for the japanese quiz a bit more. nyyaaaaaaggggg…
Blogging this now, right after it happens, because things will just be harder if I go “oh, I’ll just do it later, like tomorrow”. That would not be the Timm[ie] way. That would be the stupid, mortal, normal way that you foolish, feeble mortals try to do things, and then fail. BAH! *dismissive wave* Also, side note, people are being loud in the lounge right now. I am better than those people. Inarguably.
Ahem. Anyways, before I begin I would also like to offer up a wish for Kio, who from the looks of it is currently going through some rough times. I hope that things look better for you soon…and regret that I can’t do anything more than offer up a wish.
Okay, so today was day 1 of the con. Contrary to what I was planning, I actually ended up not taking my camera after all. Which…may or may not have been a good decision. It probably was, actually. If I had a point-and-shoot I might have taken more pictures but I generally don’t stop most people for photos because I don’t like to intrude upon them (yes, I know that it’s not actually intruding most of the time, but you have to understand that I’m very uncomfortable approaching other people and speaking up like that). And the reason I decided to leave it behind was because I tested the weight of my backpack and felt a slight bit uncomfortable with it, and decided that if I left the camera it would fix things without potential for too much regret. I was right, anyways, and besides I don’t have any cosplay for this con so I don’t need pics of myself anyways (though those are okay too! I don’t have many pics of myself as Sayuri…). There was that one adorable CCS Sakura cosplayer that I saw at Fanime last year, but other than that I don’t know if I was really drawn to anybody. There was a Rilakkuma walking around at one point though; that was cute ^^;
On the car ride over I mostly…well, played NDS_TGM, as usual. We parked, found the hotel (thanks to Tiphanie for being smart and just asking passer-by cosplayers where to go), and checked in. Actually, scratch that–after we parked, Zheng realized he left his cell phone in the car, so he had to go back. In the meantime I peeked into the mall and realized we were right by Sanrio, and also realized that Hello Kitty was there visiting! (as I had heard about in the morning via tweet) So I went in and got a quick photo with Kitty, hehe.
Okay, then we checked into the con and got our artists’ alley table and piled all of our stuff down. I actually feel kind of bad for not contributing anything…I should really do some sort of pixel art or something to contribute. It would be a good opportunity to practice pixeling anyways, since I hardly do it at all. I could do something like try and make pixels of my favorite characters eating…hehe.
Anyways, I half-followed Tiphanie throughout most of the day…and by half I mean half of the time I was hanging out following her around the artists’ alley and dealers hall and whatnot and the other half I was doing stuff on my own. Didn’t really see anything in the artists’ alley that was worth buying…and, actually, I didn’t buy anything from the dealer’s hall at first either. So I decided to go out into the japantown mall instead and shop there. I made some good purchases at Sanrio…there were a bunch of little twin stars things that I bought–I’m definitely going through some intense little twin stars fandom right now, I think. Even though I probably like Cinnamoroll more overall, I definitely get a lot more excited about seeing little twin stars stuff nowadays. I think it also helps that they use that pastel pink-type color a lot, which I like.
Went around to some other stores but didn’t buy anything else. Met up with Russ (who was heading back to the table after buying bread) and William, who wanted to eat someplace. I felt like ramen so we looked for the nearest ramen place and went in; luckily we didn’t have to wait too long to get seated. I ordered the lunch special–came with both ramen and curry rice, and surprisingly I didn’t have to box any of it up as I finished it all. Maybe I was really hungry? I shouldn’t have been though–it was like 2 or 2:30 but I did eat breakfast at like 10:30 ish…but anyways, that was not bad.
Went back and just hung out near our table for awhile. Tried to memorize some japanese vocab, played through Touhou: IN on hard and was doing kind of okay (not really great) and then started mucking up like crazy near the end, haha whatever. Didn’t really get work done at all (I’m not surprised, but it’s always good to be prepared anyways…plus, I might be doing more work tomorrow……or possibly not!). Went back to the dealers hall at one point because I had been thinking for a long while about buying a pair of nekomimi (cat ears). I wanted to actually ask Tiphanie whether I should buy them so that she could restrain me if I was being too impulsive (or just be my enabler xD), but she wasn’t around. But I decided to just go anyways. Anyways, I looked and thought a lot…then I thought even -more- about what color combination to get. In the meantime I also looked at the button/pin collection that was there and found a whole bunch of things that I hadn’t found the first time I glanced through it. I settled for 5–I got hello kitty, nanoha (!), pochacco, belldandy, and even safety from risky safety! As I was buying, I noticed that on the table there was one for snow fairy sugar, so after a short gasp I traded in pochacco for that. Snow fairy sugar, kya! (I totally go fanboy/fangirl over anything by koge donbo…which reminds me, I still have to watch kamichama karin chu) I also finally decided on a short pair of nekomimi with black outsides and white insides. I think I definitely made the right choice–I looooove them and will be wearing them tomorrow. Nyaa!~ <3 ^_^
Didn’t bother going to russ’s panel as it was too crowded and I was going to go to the hello kitty panel instead anyways. I followed Tiphanie up to where she had been eating stuff with some other random congoers, but then left as it was kind of awkward and there was no space for me to sit and I didn’t want anything to eat. I left my umbrella there though, so we met up later and then went to the video gaming room to kill some time before the HK panel started. We played some IIDX, except I knew anything that I picked was going to be insanely way ridiculously too hard for Tiphanie so I just had her do my scratches and picked out first a 7, then some 8s, and even a 9 or two. I actually did fairly well–I was pleasantly surprised. I kind of BSed through AA [H] but that’s okay because I already knew that song is still way too hard for me to read. I did alright on Mei [H] but I think I came just short of passing it. I think I did okay on Quasar [H] too, though I don’t know if I managed to get a pass. But yeah, I didn’t do bad! Granted I also had an autoscratch, so I guess that could have done it too…
Anyways, onto the hello kitty panel, except…the panelist never showed up! I was very disappointed, and so was everyone else…there was actually a pretty notable turnout too! We joked a bit about how I should just host the panel instead, but in the end we just decided to leave it at that and leave. I don’t know if I could actually say anything meaningful about Hello Kitty (though I was talking on and on about how she’s 3 apples in weight and 5 apples in height, and she’s 35 years old, etc etc etc). I have definitely read an article or two on Kitty and about how some people worry about her supposed decline, and also about people worrying about people distorting the image of Kitty, etc etc. But yeah, I’m not gonna just run a panel without preparing anything to say. D’oh!
So that was a bummer. We had more time to kill while Russ’s panel finished (we couldn’t just sit in because…well, the room was full), so I played some TAP item master mode (and failed to clear it again, haha). Then we stuck around randomly while russ gathered people/etc. and then left.
All in all, a good day. I was very happy with my purchases–especially the neko-mimi! I might want to snack a bit more next time since I’m in japantown after all–I should get some taiyaki or something. Also I saw a hello kitty 13″ laptop bag that I was tempted to buy, but it was too expensive. I justified not getting it by saying that I could imagine cuter designs, and I would rather have a cinnamoroll or little twin stars case anyways. Haha, I’m getting better at justifying not buying things……….sometimes xD.
The con itself was small, but not -too- small. Of course it’s no Fanime…but I think it was still big enough to be interesting. I also think Fanime is also just kind of distorted to me because when I went last year it was the first time I cosplayed and I also stayed in the hotel and we had a big group of people, and we had a touhou gathering, and we walked around a lot together, etc etc etc. If I actually instead think back to the Fanime =before= that, it seems not -nearly- as interesting because all I did was go there and shop a whole bunch (and met Alex Kerr, haha).
Con would have been more fun if I had had a cosplay ready. Have to remember this, and motivate myself! Cons are more fun in cosplay. Must get something ready! *shakes fist* But going as Sayuri was still okay, I think. Actually, I dressed -very- well for the weather; I was surprised at how well it worked out. I could perhaps even have survived without my peacoat, but better to have had it just in case I guess. I also had two moments where people wanted to confirm my gender…(one of which involved me being pointed out as a trap, but unlike last time it was in a good-natured way haha).
I regretted the fact that I never really seemed to see Ray at all. Though I guess he might have been doing a photoshoot or something or something that I wouldn’t really have a place in anyways. Looking forward to hanging with Kotaro tomorrow though. Maybe I’ll get work done on our project hahahahaha…..or is it just futile to even think that?
Tomorrow’s plan is actually slightly complicated. Wushu practice in the morning (ug, 9_9…well, it’s not terrible or anything; I don’t actually mind much, but I still roll my eyes), then leave early so I can shower, change, eat something, and then meet up and go to sf. Then hang out there for a while maybe until 2pm for the hideo concert thing. Then at some point I’ll probably call Newton and he’ll pick me up and then drive me back to stanford early, then I’ll change, then we’ll head to my house for smash and glowsticking. Then unfortunately I’ve gotta go back to stanford because there’s wushu practice again monday morning (augh!). I might skip staff meeting on monday and go home for dinner instead…and maybe visit nee-san because I haven’t been over there in a while and I miss them!
Good weekend that is coming after a good week. Let’s keep this streak up!