one of the worst times to be having insomnia 9_9

well, it’s okay; there’s some things to write about.

#1 thing on my mind is something that unfortunately is really stupid and doesn’t even deserve to be thought about because it’s ridiculous and pathetic.  suffice to say that by thinking about it i have surmised that i deserve more respect and that when things come down to the line i will fight back harder than anyone.

Now that that’s out of the way…I was in a bad place yesterday.  It was very hard for me, but I finally finally succeeded in helping myself, after a long time.  I’m getting better at it, I guess…somewhat.  But the really notable thing about yesterday was that while I was in this mood…for the first time in my life, I found a chord that represented my emotions perfectly.  It starts on the Db below middle C.  It’s Db-Db-Ab-Eb.  I’m not even sure how I came across it; only that I vaguely wanted to play something that represented myself, and that maybe a 9th of some sort would work.  I was actually trying to see what -key- I felt like…for example, I didn’t feel like C because that’s too boring.  I didn’t feel like F#–that’s too pointy.  And I didn’t feel like G or F because they’re too happy (in slightly different ways).  I’m not talking about key signatures here, note–i’m just talking about the notes themselves (call it a side effect of absolute pitch, but it’s slightly less than synesthesia).  And I didn’t feel like B because B is too flat and sterile.  And I didn’t feel like Eb because that was too rich.  But Db…yes, Db was right.  And then I stumbled upon Db-Db-Ab-Eb, and realized–that was exactly how I felt.  It was actually kind of amazing.  I told someone that’s how I felt, and I think it communicated things much better than words would have–at least, any words that would have come (or not come) out of my mouth.


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