How in the world did I get this busy? I keep on saying that despite all of the business, I’m always going to be able to make enough time for the things that count…but I’m even wary of that now.
I’ve become just like everyone else–I’m a silly little Stanford student with no time to do anything.
Well, okay; perhaps I’m overreacting a bit here. I don’t think I’m just like everyone else just yet. But I’m very disturbed by this trend. There’s a part of me that says that it’s not okay for things to go on this way; that it’s not -me-. If I can’t find time to do the things that make me Timm[ie], then that’s just too depressing.
But then, some other part of me says that the busier I am, the less lonely and less sad I will be. By throwing myself into things, I will be happier. By letting life rush by, I will feel more exhiliration. As Juliann put it:
“I find myself growing more and more enthusiastic about trying new things, meeting new people, and allowing myself to enjoy life. There are such gems present in each day, and one can find them only if one begins to love. One must love herself, love her new place in the world, and the new people she meets. Only then can she find happiness…”
But some part of me resists this deeply. That is Juliann. That is not me. Although we are both guardian angels of sorts in our own right, we are different people, with different outlooks. And although I can’t say I disagree with this quote in its entirely, I remember reading it for the first time, and being reminded of the differences between us. These differences are very interesting, and warrant their own discussion, but I’ll save that for another time and another place.
Suffice to say that I don’t want to let life rush by.
It’s interesting because just recently I was explaining to Juliann and Ellen how I’m someone who’s satisfied with the natural flow of time. For me, time never passes too quickly, or too slowly. Though I sometimes find myself longing for an extra day or two, I never find that the end of summer comes too soon, or that break was over seemingly before it even started. No; I’d rather just have things just the way they are. And I think that that’s still true. Yet somehow, the problem is that there’s not enough things being done in the finite amount of time that I have to work with. Somehow between the staff work, the homework, going to classes, dealing with responsibilities, becoming closer with my friends, and all of the hobbies, there is just not -quite- enough to spread around. There have been some days of catchup work, but not enough. And so I can see things beginning to suffer.
And a normal person would sigh and feel a bit of regret, but forge onwards. A normal person would continue, and inevitably lose a friendship here, drop a hobby there, let another project go unfinished. But I refuse. I can’t accept that. And that’s why I can’t agree whole-heartedly with Juliann’s quote. Because I’m cautious about trying new things. Each new thing is one old thing that needs to be replaced. Each new person is one old person that needs to be replaced. Each additional person I try to write letters to means someone else isn’t getting the letter that they need to brighten their day.
Perhaps it’s because I’m a perfectionist–I can’t stand to drop things and leave them be. I’ve gotta stick them out all the way.
The problem now is that I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Something’s gotta give…though I can try a bit harder, I don’t think I can try much harder realistically, so something’s gotta give. And I don’t know -what-. I guess I should just keep on trying to be on the lookout for things that I can eliminate. The more baggage I can eliminate from my life, the more I’ll be able to spend time on the things that I care about.
Perhaps I should start with classes. Gotta either skip em or be more productive in em. Choose one or the other…