I find that I’m spending very little time on other people right now, and it disturbs me. I’m somewhat proud that I’m managing to keep up with things such as super metroid redesign, visual novels, touhou, and OHC, but work has seriously put a hamper on my ability to focus outwards towards other people. That’s something I need to watch out for.
When I think about things, it’s as if I’ve entered a new “phase” of my life now. I’m past the obsessive giving to others phase (or am i? part of me doesn’t really want to be “past” it at all…but I suppose for the purpose of this paragraph, that’s unimportant), and now I’ve entered a new phase where everything is about my failure to assert myself. Which of course, begs the question, how many of these different phases have I been in, and what would it look like if I tried to timeline it out? A very intriguing thing indeed.
I think it’s too hard to actually go out and do, because there aren’t so many clear boundaries between phases, and because the memory gets foggy at times. But very very roughly…
We can start out with the 16-bit era. Yes, the so-called “golden age” of gaming, which solidified my love for video games for all eternity. This lasted all throughout elementary school, for sure. With middle school I was introduced to DDR, and that took over my life for awhile. But in high school we can begin to see some more interesting changes. First came IMs and blogging. Suddenly I had new outlets to let my emotions out, and I became enthralled in writing my entire life out in words. And soon after, the infamous “emo” period, where i suffered from what I thought was a broken heart. After that, another “golden age”, but this time for marching band–the magical experience of being a section leader, and the years when I became known as Timm[ie]. And this was also the time of “forced happiness”–or to put it less cynically, continual optimism. The positive energy, though forced at times, carried me through the DM gauntlet, and then I was finally done. Enter college. Now I had to deal with the aftermath of the DM gauntlet, which ate away at parts of my sanity. And this is when I started to realize I was in that long-lasting “rut”. Never receiving the attention I wanted; feeling isolated and alone without anything to guide me–it culminated in the “RSI” fiasco. And even after getting over that, I fell into another spell of constant self-destructive giving, and eventually broke down. Now past that, I no longer feel like I’m all alone with no one to go to; but instead I feel like I isolate -myself- within the confines of my mind, so that my feelings never come out.
…or something. Meh.