Monthly Archives: November 2009

In almost unprecedented news (“almost” because this has actually happened once before in the past), I’ve deleted someone’s name off of my “Awesome List”. Depressing, but totally justified, and makes me feel better. Also it brings us to a nice round 30. Yay!

Lately when I write out these long and involved blog entries, I tend to say things that aren’t totally PC. Well, PC isn’t the right term really, it’s more like I say things that are arrogant in a way, like “I’m right and everyone else is wrong”. Things like that. And I hesitate when I say these things, but most of the time I still end up saying them anyways. I’m not sure why, but this has happened a little more often recently, compared to what I remember from earlier times. Maybe I’m just being more arrogant nowadays…or perhaps I’m writing in a more blunt way…or maybe I’m more bitter at people nowadays…or maybe I always wrote this way, but now I’m more self-conscious about it.

People suck

Christmas letters: 9 down, about 34 more to go.

I’m keeping them as short as reasonably possible, so they actually don’t take long at all; it’s just that I need to not put it off and work at it a little bit at a time. Which of course could be said about a lot of other things.

I traditionally haven’t fallen into the trap of “i’ll do x y z and this and that and the other over break”, but i’m still going to try and be careful about that nevertheless. One week isn’t -that- much time to do that much. My main goal is to work on programming–if I can succeed at that, then I’ll have had a successful break.

Also, I never ever want to hear anyone tell me they’re going to write me a letter. I do not want to hear that crap; if you truly want to write me something, then just write it and surprise me. If not, keep your mouth shut. This hasn’t happened recently, but it’s almost getting to the point where I’m not even going to be polite and pretend like I believe you anymore.

I tend to divide up my world very rigidly sometimes; I really look down on a certain set of people, and I really look fondly upon a certain other set of people, and there’s not many people who fall in between those two divisions. At the same time, that doesn’t necessarily give me license to act like a jerk to the “bad” group. On the contrary, it’s almost always best for me to just take the moral high road…

It’s interesting though, how sometimes doing that gets you into trouble. It even happened way back in middle school–I was one of the smartest kids in the class, and maybe not the nicest person ever, but definitely pretty tolerant, and relatively well-behaved (heck, if i wasn’t paying attention, it was probably for a good reason anyways). Therefore I remember on multiple occasions being seated next to troublemakers or dumb people, because the teachers either expected me to help them out, or knew that I would tolerate them without causing a ruckus.

Between being mean, being unhappy, and not caring (the three cardinal sins of humanity), being mean is probably one of the worst. Being mean, for example, can totally exacerbate the problem of being unhappy, because instead of just being sad and depressed, you become a whiny jerk who makes it your goal in life to inflict your suffering upon other people. Almost never should you have the right to actively try and make other people feel bad. It’s just terrible, and I try to avoid people who are like that as much as humanly possible. Unfortunately it’s impossible to really avoid them all. It’s no wonder I became such a social recluse after being exposed to the behavior of other children in elementary school–I was bullied on multiple occasions in multiple ways and each time I couldn’t understand it at all. I might understand it if it was done in a teasing way, and if I let myself get all worked up by it, but most of the time I just sat there and silently took it like a man (hah). I’ll never understand how that kind of thing can bring people enjoyment. It’s downright -frightening-.

This is also one of the main reasons I hate kids.

There’s also the kind of people who are very confrontational–if they have a problem with you, they’ll have you know about it, bluntly, no messing around. Of course, I don’t like those people either, and it runs entirely opposite to my passivist ways. Then there’s the kind of people who have this urge to DO something every time something goes wrong. These are the kind of people who get insanely defensive whenever you say something about them. It’s somewhat related. But these are the kind of people who will harp on you for making an honest mistake, or blame you for something that really wasn’t your fault. And they’re the kinds of people who say things for their own benefit, as opposed to saying things for other people’s benefit. That’s probably one of the reasons I’m so quiet all the time–I’ve learned to quiet my impulses so that I don’t say anything that’s “useless” to other people–I try to avoid speaking selfishly, I guess you could say.

But yes, I sometimes say “I believe in accidents”. You see, some people don’t believe in accidents. They don’t believe in mistakes–to them, every time someone does something careless, it means they should have been more careful. Every time they did something that wasn’t good enough, it means they could have been better. To me, that’s just useless thinking a lot of the time…for one thing, you can’t always be perfect, and people have limits to what they can and can’t do. Why hate someone for being human? Why hate someone for being who they are? And for another thing, there’s all this unneeded negativity there. I think I used to be that way too, but then I decided I was fed up with getting sad and mad all the time. My emotions are much, much calmer now, though that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel sadness. It’s just a quieter kind of sadness, most of the time.

Of course, all of this is “according to me”. I can’t say what’s wrong or right; I can only say what I like and what I don’t like in people, and reflect upon myself accordingly. I’m pretty narcissistic, so I look down on people who do things in a different way than I do, but I still try to at least have the politeness and decency to accept that there’s different ways of thinking. …well, most of the time. Sometimes there are things that I just can’t accept at all (like bullies, who are guilty of the first cardinal sin of humanity to an extreme extent), and at other times people intrude too much upon my way of life for me to just let it go by without a hitch. Notice, however, that while it’s definitely possible for other people to encroach upon my way of life, it’s almost unheard of for me to intrude upon other people’s way of life. It -does- still happen once in awhile, for example the people who hate me for being (rather, “seeming”) smart/talented/better than them, but in those cases, it’s still extremely difficult to see myself at fault, really. I had this horrible teacher (a substitute, actually, though he was a semi-permanent sub, much to my chagrin) once who had this thing against me, and I could TELL this guy hated me because I had this reputation for being smart. It was fricking plain as day, no question about it, he hated me because I was smart. But what the hell am I supposed to do about that–apologize? You’ve gotta be kidding me…

Okay that’s it. I’m basically just ranting about how people suck, but if you’ve been following this blog, you should already know alllllllllll about how people suck anyways.

Light Novels

It’s a pity that light novels are in such a sad state here in America. I really enjoy reading them, just as much as I like visual novels–you could say that these two media forms have really revitalized my dying interest in literature, so to speak. Visual novels aren’t actually doing half bad, since we’ve got a whole bunch of fan translations going on–I’ve got a good 40 of them–but I don’t know if there are ANY light novel series that have been licensed and published to completion in the US. Seven Seas had this really nice line of light novels going on, and I love the format of their books (want to pick up some more while I still can), but they’ve put that on indefinite hiatus because it didn’t sell well enough. So now we’ve got Pita-Ten volumes 1 and 2, but no volume 3. Same with Strawberry Panic, Ballad of a Shinigami, etc etc. Shakugan no Shana is on hiatus too (done by Viz). And I’m sure the story is basically the same all around. Damn…hell and a damn…

I guess we can try to rely on the fan translations. They’ve done a good job with Haruhi, at least, but haven’t gotten that much else done, IIRC. That’s the only way it’s going to happen though, since there just isn’t enough demand at all–heck, how many people do you know who even KNOW what light novels are!?

…or I can just learn japanese…hahaha, easier said than done, of course.

Rhythm

IMHO, playing music is infinitely more fun when you do it with other people, with the probable exception of solo piano works. But in the past 3…no, past 7 years I’ve had way too many experiences with people who just aren’t that fun to play with. A lot of it comes down to sense of rhythm. Not just rhythm as in reading rhythms (though that’s a big part of it), but more importantly the ability to feel the pulse of the music. To me it’s second nature, but somehow a lot of these other musicians just get off beat, and then we have to stop because we’re not in the same place together. Then they won’t know what happened wrong…of course, =I= know what happened: you played the part wrong, didn’t count it right, and therefore got off, and since you don’t have that sense of pulse in the music, you didn’t realize you were off and just assumed you were right. But, sometimes I don’t want to sound arrogant, so I just pretend like I don’t know what happened.

The worst case of this was probably during middle school band when we were playing a piece and because some people (probably the brass, or the saxes, obviously *rolls eyes*) didn’t count right, they were off by one or two beats. This was during a performance…and yet they kept on playing wrong, oblivious to the fact that our conductor was counting the beat pattern RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF THEM. Of course, all of the people who knew what they were doing (flutes and clarinets, obviously) knew exactly what had gone wrong, and fought to play in the right time, but eventually our director gave in and skipped a beat or two, forcing the people who were right, to go along with whoever happened to be wrong.

I’ve tried to do the same thing, with varying degrees of success…Usually I can tell almost instantly when something is off–but the problem is I can’t tell how -much- it’s off, or how much I need to correct. I can’t just -stop- playing because then we’ll just stop, so I have to resort to either speeding up or slowing down, but only enough so that it makes a beat worth or so of difference. It’s hard to get right, and usually fails (especially if there’s other issues going on), but I’ve done it successfully sometimes. Sometimes without the other person even noticing.

*sigh*