Okay, traditionally I really haven’t liked the whole resolution thing, but after the smattering success (well, at least in some ways) that was Spring quarter, I guess maybe I’ll give it another shot. It’s always good to be working towards something. Maybe not =actively= working towards something, but it’s always good to at least have something to work towards.
But first lets look at how this Summer has panned out. What happened to the things I was supposed to get done?
-Well, I learned the 32 sword form. It’s still kind of shaky, but at least I -know- it now, which is what I wanted. Yay!
-I managed to get through research. Was it as good as it could have been? Probably not. But at least I can’t really write it off as a failure, since in the end I managed to turn things around a bit and actually do something worthwhile. The weird part is that even though the summer is over, I’m probably still going to continue with the project. Or, I “should”. Have to be careful about that word though. But really, it doesn’t really make sense to drop it just because I feel a little uncomfortable–pushing outside your comfort zone -is- something that should be done every now and then, and there have been good things (relatively) coming out of this so far…
-The license has yet to be attained. I’ve got 2 or so more weeks.
-anime wallpapers and music have been taken care of.
-music is a neverending battle, but I’ve been faring alright at least.
-transferring stuff between computers is done. This’ll probably be a lot easier in college when my two computers aren’t on different floors of the building.
-Bonus card from sanrio has been claimed.
-Classes for next quarter are set.
-I haven’t visited the field yet. But it’s not getting torn down yet anyways.
-JD Salinger books have not been read. Unfortunately that was kind of a mistaken impulse buy on my part, I don’t think I even like a lot of his other stuff other than Catcher in the Rye. I’ve got much more appealing things to read (Visual Novels! Light Novels!) so this can be dropped.
-I played through Henry Hatsworth! Amazing mirror and super star ultra are next.
-Xanga posts are done.
-I’ve uploaded most of the stuff i have onto youtube. There’s ugly issues with copyrighted audio, but eh, what can you do (stupid…). I still have to revamp my website though, and add updated links.
-Nanoha pics are done.
-Band scrapbook…has not received enough attention. It’s going to take a while, but I really should just get it out of the way as soon as possible.
-I have enough anime at the moment, probably.
-I haven’t even begun to look through real photos.
-haven’t started SDL.
All in all, not a bad job. Add to that that I learned colemak too.
So what needs to happen for Fall? Well, a lot of things. I don’t know if I can really cover them all, but I’ll try. I do like to be realistic though, so I’ll try to avoid making resolutions that I can’t see myself going through with. I don’t really like aiming -too- high.
First, an easy one. M rank in TA Death. I can do it with enough practice. TGM is an unbelievably amazing game anyways, so there’s virtually no motivation needed. I’ll probably have more free time in the Fall too.
Next, a hard one. Find some sense of the Timm[ie] I used to be. That happy-go-luckiness that I’ve lost. Now, this doesn’t mean that I want to go back to being the person I was a few years ago. I’m not quite so naive now…I know (well, I think) that despite how much I keep saying “I haven’t really changed that much” I have matured in some good ways. I still don’t really have a clue what I’m doing when it comes to certain things (then again, who does…), but I’ve made some subtle progress. Still, I want to be happy again, to have faith again. I think I’m slowly getting there, and there are some things (and some people) that have helped me.
I was reading (mostly out of curiosity) about the Enneagram personality classifications and was particularly struck (stricken?) by the characterization of the Two (Helper type):
“Gaining the love of others is important to Twos because they fear that they are not loved for themselves alone. They feel that they will be loved only if they can earn love by always being good and by constantly sacrificing themselves for others. In a word, they fear that others would not love them unless they made others love them. (Twos could be briefly characterized as persons who, fearing that they are unlovable, spend their lives trying to make people love them.) Naturally, that creates a deep source of hidden aggression, and if people do not respond to them as they want, average to unhealthy Twos become increasingly resentful. But since they cannot consciously own up to their aggressive feelings, they express them indirectly, in manipulative behavior they disavow. It is mind-boggling to see how badly unhealthy Twos can treat others while justifying everything they do. But no matter how destructive their actions are, unhealthy Twos must persuade themselves that they have nothing but love and the purest of good intentions at heart.”
Well, first of all I can’t say for sure that I’m a Two. But this passage was kind of like a slap in the face, because it almost (not quite) describes what’s happened to me in the past year or two. So what’s the solution? Well, it’s not really that clear. But I think I need to get away from the trap of blaming other people for this rut that I’m in. From a practicality standpoint, blaming other people does no good because you can’t really change everybody. From an emotional standpoint, blaming other people is bad because it makes you hate them and lose faith in your friends (as much as I like hating people, there’s a right way and a wrong way to go about doing it). So I need to try and work towards several things:
-Complaining more. This may sound “bad” and even contradictory but it’s necessary because I end up blaming people for not helping me when really, I never asked for help.
-Work towards relationships. Using FB as the new AIM can probably help with this, but somehow I need to put in some real work in order to establish the kind of relationships that I want–I can’t just rely on what I had during high school.
-Think more positively about the relationships I do have. In the past I would reflect on how =blessed= and lucky I was to have such great friends. Recently it’s been almost the opposite. Yeah, I’ve become disillusioned. Yes, there has been good reason for being disillusioned…but again, I can’t blame other people, so instead I should just not be so demanding.
I think if anything will make my junior year better it’ll be this.
Ok next, some more tangible things. I need to delve into coding (and my major!) a little more. SDL is a great place to start with this since I’ve been meaning to do something with it -anyways-. I need to get some kind of tangible finished project up–right now I basically have nothing. There’s also other things like project euler, etc etc that are more actual CS stuff. Those are good too, but I hesitate to actually commit myself to doing all of that because I fear I lack enough motivation.
As for classes…well, I’m not sure. In keeping with the theme of really trying to dive into my major, I should really be trying to go above and beyond when I can. But I also keep on making the resolution to not work as hard because I get good enough grades and I need to socialize more. Well, I don’t know. It’s a balance, really. I think I need to never outprioritize work over socialization, but at the same time I should look for ways to “work harder” in an interesting way. Hard to explain, but I think I get the idea.
Exercise. Oof. I really couldn’t care less about the fact that I’m built like a twig, but the fact that my stamina SUCKS right now is no good. Something needs to happen there. Hm, I might as well take this chance to see what my “daily checklist” should look like:
-Exercise (taiji, sticking, or running)
-Stretch (takes like 2 minutes!)
-Make my bed (I don’t really do this nearly enough)
-Writing (either in my diary, or a letter, or the band scrapbook. Blogging doesn’t count.)
-Socializing (phone calls count)
-Take a multivitamin (easy)
“Practice colemak” used to be here but I’m confident that’s not needed anymore. Besides, I’m getting practice by read+typing Haruhi right now anyways.
I think I should add “music”. I definitely want to keep making music, and I haven’t been doing enough of it. Even producing electronica counts here, as long as I do -something- with music. I’ve got 3 different instruments to play anyways.
Hm, anything else? Actually, I think that might be it. Well, actually I need to really, really make a great effort to go outside my dorm to socialize, since I’ve got 3-4 really good friend around campus. Some of them aren’t very far away at all, either.
Living in my “own room” (not really, but basically) is going to be nice. Or at least, a heck of a lot nicer than last year was. Though you could consider that as somewhat of a good thing in that it motivated me to go out of my room.
As for GOING to classes…well, maybe I’ll be more motivated now that I have my laptop and can really use it. Which means maybe going to class might not be a complete waste of time. Especially if I know other people in the class….though, I still maintain that lectures are horrible for socializing. Bah. Well, we’ll see. It’s not really the end of the world if I decide to start skipping classes again. Heck, it even fits in with my plan to not work so hard…
So in the end, is all of this doable? Probably. Well, the finding myself thing might take a whole year, and is more of a gradual thing anyways, so that’s not -that- important. The M rank is doable. The exercise is doable. The music every day is doable. I’m a little afraid the coding might not be doable because I’m already taking 2 solid CS classes. But god dammit, I -want- to get around to this! So I’ll do my best, at least.
Oops, I forgot another one. To be more “aware” of things that are going on in the world. I’ve always been so totally ignorant of “real world” things like government, politics, etc etc. To a large extent I’ve been absolutely content with this, and to a large extent I still am. But I think I should at least be a little bit more aware of what happens in realms that are a little more relevant to me–realms like the gaming industry, for example. Something I realized when I was doing somewhat of a “wikipedia cruise” through joelonsoftware.com was that hey, I =like= reading about things that are relevant to me. And heck, I already check a million and one inactive blogs every day. Why not add some relevant technology (or, god help me, “real world”) sites or blogs into the mix? Can’t hurt to check slashdot, for example.